Saturday, October 22, 2011

Fuck everything!!!

It's been a long time since I've been on here as I've had so much shit happening in my life. I spent my 34th birthday in the hospital with my Grandy as he can't eat or drink anything anymore so he has a tube that goes into his stomach to get nutrition into him.
It's been challenging to say the least coz I'm his primary carer I'm the one that cops the brunt of his bad moods which is really hard to take sometimes as I have my own psychiatric illnesses to deal with & at times it's so hard to keep going & smiling pretending that everything is ok when it's not.
My drinking has escalated so much as I don't know how else to deal with all this pain in my heart. On my way home last night I just didn't have the energy to go on & collapsed on the footpath & just started crying. Someone must have called the police as the next thing I knew they were there and I was trying to explain to them I just wanted to go home & be with my cat & go to sleep but instead they called an ambulance & I ended up in a hospital I hate as I've had alot of friends die there & I was freaking out so bad but no one seemed to understand why I was the way I was at Charlies coz all I could think about was my friends who never made it out of there alive.
I love to look after my Grandy but at time it takes so much energy from me especially when he's having a bad day & I cope abuse & told I'm nothing, I take it to heart. I know he doesn't mean it but at thr time it hurts so bad as that is the sort of shit I had to take from my Mother.
Sometimes it doesn't seem worth going on but I know I have to as all my Grandy has is me & that's alot of pressure to deal with.
I must've been a real arsehole in my last incarnation to have all this crap in my life now.
I just wonder sometimes if it's all worth it as I don't know how much more I can take as I already feel so broken. 

Saturday, May 7, 2011

Wow I haven't posted here for ages as once again I was letting my life get out of control & drinking way to much yet again & getting nasty at times towards my Grandy after having imbibed too many Scotches. So I've decided to give drinking a rest for awhile. I'm still smoking some pot as that helps me sleep & calms me down.

 There have been alot of bad things that I have experianced since my last post which I will only go into breifly here at the moment until I can give it the time to write & honesty it deserves.
 First of all at the start of December last year (2010) I was indecently assaulted by a taxi driver who was taking me home very early in the morning when I was blind drunk. I went to the police & gave a statement & it was pretty humiliating actually as I had to admit how drunk I was & the fact that I can't remember that much about what happened.
 Well that gave me a bit of courage to go to the Child Abuse Unit & give them a statement about what my Army Cadet Instructor did to me when I was 14 only to find out that he's currently in Court in an almost identical matter to mine & I have to wait for the outcome on that case before the Police proceed in charging him in relation to my matter.
 It hasn't been an easy few months

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Thoughts in my mind :(

I haven't been sleeping to well the past couple of days despite all the alcohol, pills & pot I have been trying to smother all my feelings with. been having loads of bad dreams & thoughts lately. I missed my last appointment with my psychiatrist as I just couldn't face going. I had just had a rent inspection & spent the previous 3 days in an absolute panic convinced that my real estate was going to throw me out of my home. To others that might sound stupid but when you have the illnesses I have it is a certain reality until it's all over and you can breathe a sigh of relief until the next one comes around. Logically I know it's shit as I have been with the same estate agents for just over 9 years now but it doesn't matter as soon as I get that letter I'm convinced I'm going to be evicted. As someone who has never really felt secure in any home since I was a child when I get that letter I go straight into panic mode.
 So after it was all over the last thing I wanted to do was go and see my shrink! Often when I miss an appointment with her she calls me & she didn't this time. So I will have to call her office on Monday to make another appointment. I think she understands why I do it as I had been feeling so burnt out I hardly had the energy to scratch my own arse!
 Now that extra bit of work is over now & as much as found it difficult to do as it was FAR out of my zone of comfort, I enjoyed doing it and because it was one of my friends it was easier for me to agree to doing it as there is no way I could've done what I did if it wasn't one of my friends asking me for help. Now I sorta (but not much) miss it, as it was good to be doing something again & feel USEFUL!
That's it for today..Grandys awake & it's time for me to start cooking dinner :-)

Sunday, September 26, 2010

Back Again

Things have  been difficult lately & only made worse now by a late night phone call & text message sent to me by my ex who I had been with for almost 10 years.
Not long ago when I first got a computer & got on Facebook an old friend that I hadn't seen in years found me. I told him how I had recently broke up with the ex as this friend knows the ex & his family as they grew up together & dropped a huge bombshell on me. My ex had actually been married for the last 5 years of our relationship & has 2 kids! I couldn't believe it! I felt so betrayed & angry as well because he had made me complicant in an affair I had no idea about. I also felt so bad for his wife as he had been cheating on her throughout their whole relationship & marriage & the births of their children.
Then late last night out of the blue he calls me & says he can't stop thinking about me & he wants to see me to talk, then he sends me this text which I will write here. "For whatever it's worth I do love you & miss you..You have always been special to me & I really miss playing with you & making each other cum. I should have treated you better xoxo"
It's a little late for that now. I still love him & I always will but I can't go through all this shit again. When I found out he was married I still had his number in my phone & I called him. When he answered at first he was happy that I was calling. I told him I had a computer & the internet & mentioned it was amazing who could find you on Facebook. He asked me what I meant by that & I said to him 'When you you planning to tell me that you've been married for the last 5 years of our realationship & have 2 children'. His lame reply was 'I thought you knew'. How the fuck am I supposed to know something like that unless he tells me?
I told him I felt sorry for his wife & hung up. Hadn't heard from him for a while until last night & the stupid fucking text message!
I have a feeling he's going to show up at the event I'm helping to orgainise at a nightclub as he works in the nightclub industry.
Don't know what I will do if he does turn up but I will have some pretty heavy backup though & it might be nice to get him kicked out!

Tuesday, August 3, 2010


 Went to the football on Sunday. It was a big match we call the Western Derby my team is Fremantle. The 2nd qtr had just started when a person in my block had a heart attack. They laid him on the ground right behind where I sit to try to resucsitate him, they worked on him for over 10 minutes while waiting for the ambulance to arrive. They tried everything & worked so hard whilst security & the cops kept everyone back. I couldn't believe that alot of people basically wanted to step over him to get to their seat! What the fuck? Don't people care about other people? I mean for fucks sake it's only a football game!!!!!
 It wasnt looking good when the ambos got there as he was turning grey after he had turned blue. They were still doing chest compressions on him when they were taking him away on the stretcher, I knew it didnt look good. So I went outside to cry & the next thing I know I'm surrounded by ambos & police. I was on the verge of having a panic attack so they put me on oxygen & took my obs while I was sitting down outside the ground. That's all I cant write for now as I cant see the keyboard well through my tears. Needless to say he did die

Friday, June 25, 2010


It's been a long time since I've written on my blog here. I have been going through so much shit lately that I've had the energy to do fuck all except escape into my fantasy world on a game on facebook. Most of the court stuff is over & done now I hope. Had the last Court hearing on the 11th of this month. That was a bit of a fuck-up from beginning to end. But I went before the judge & got the distance extended to 100mtrs now. He breached the VRO 4 times after he moved out & I know he's been served with the amended VRO, so hopefully know he will leave me the fuck alone!
  The past month hasnt been the best one with my adopted grandad having another operation, he's fine now but before he went for it at times he was almost unbearable as he takes out all his shit on me. Then when I've had enough & react I feel like the scum of the Earth as he is sick. It gets so frustrating at times but what can you do? He's the closest thing to real family I have ever had in my life & the thought of losing that devastates me. So I put on a happy face & try to get on with things but sometimes the facade falls unexpectedly.
 Like the other night in the pharmacy. I went in there to pick up my medications, they have been my drugstore for quite a long time & as I sat down in the chair to wait for my prescriptions I just burst into tears & sobbed uncontrollably. They comforted me & listened & gave me tissues as they know all I'm going through as they are my Grandy's drugstore too. After I had pulled myself together enough to leave being very embarrassed at having lot control of my emotions in public, I sobbed all the way home then cried myself to sleep that night.
 I like to keep a tight reign on my emotions & who I will & will not cry in front of. Mainly I prefer to cry when I'm on my own as I dont like to cry in front of others or show emotion as I'm scared of losing control & thats what it feels like to me. I hate even crying in front of my psychiatrist & try to avoid that at all costs. Maybe it's because I don't want to appear vulnerable at all. If there's anything I have learnt so far in this life is that if & when you show vulnerability, you get hurt; either physically, emotionally or sexually as that what predators look for. I've had it happen to me far to often to be able to live through something like that again as I thhink that would be one of my tipping points & by tipping points I mean something that will tip me over the edge when the question I ask of myself frequently is "can I keep go on living? or is this the time to do what I believe I'm predestined to do at some point in my life, suicide?".
 Yes it might be a bleak outlook on life & I am aware that other people have overcome worst things than what I have been through but pain is a very personal thing & sometimes you just get so tired of having to be strong all the time & when you feel every day is a battle to get through even with all the pills, alcohol, pot, anything! So you cant think about things, shut u the constant chatter in your head & more importantly can't FEEL ANYTHING except what ever buzz you've managed to get. I probably sank to one of my lowest points when my Grandy got discharged from hospital & I took his oxycodene tablets. They were only 5mgs & only 20 of them. I knew he wasn't going to use them as he wont take pain relief except for Panadol, so I just took them for myself as I needed something else to get high on to block out all the pain & allow me to focus on helping him recover. The oxycodene are all gone now. I took 7 of them on his first day home & drank alot of whiskey on top of them as well as taking extra Xanax which is prescribed to me. I just dont like being sober as thats when all the shit enters my head & I will do whatever I can to avoid that. I'm great at avoidance, been doing it my whole life!
 So right now Im having my 2nd whiskey, had some normal codeine as well as 4 Xanax now, am about to have a joint then immerse myself again in my Fantasy Kingdoms world on Facebook.

Friday, May 28, 2010

Another Chapter

Saw my psychiatrist the other day, see her next week too. I'm sick to death of what the dirty old man on whom I have a Violence Restraning Order against. He is such a fucking pervert & losing his marbles. I have to go back to Court on the 11th June to get the protection order varied so he cant come anywhere near me without being arrested. He used to be my next door neighbour but he doesn't live there anymore after being evicted because of this. He has so far breached the order twice & been arrested & charged, he now has a criminal record. The last breach was on the 19th ofMay when he doesnt even live next door anymore. He caught a taxi from his house to mine which is a distance of about 30kms away to bash on my door & try to get into my unit at 11:30 at night. Fucking arsehole woke me up. Well the police took him away again & arrested him but now that I want the order varied he has to be in court at the same time! I have it orgainized so its being done by video link. I & my witness will be in District Court while he will be acroos the road in Magistrates Court. I just want him to leave me the fuck alone. The lawyer I spoke to said he cannot see why the Magistrate wouldn't set a distance between 100-200 mtrs which is much better than the current 10mtrs! Lawyer thinks I have an extremely strong case. Here's hoping as Im sick of having to deal with all this shit & I just want it to be over.
So I'm just going to try & have a quiet day today if possible. Grandys gone for a walk to do some shopping which is great for his rehabilitation as well as preperation for his next operaton.

Not a good few weeks

I haven't written here for a while as I have had a fucked couple of weeks where I have been feeling like shit & so burnt out as well as worn out. The only highlight has been when I got some more tattoos done 3 weeks ago today. It was great gtting them done as I needed to feel some sort of pain, except when the artist was doing the one I got behind my ear I fell asleep. I was so relaxed & was in the position I'm in every night when I go to sleep at night & I just fell asleep. It was fantastic getting some new tattoos as lately I have been struggling so much with wanting to cut myself but didn't so it was a great relief to be tattooed.
My adopted Grandad is doing well but he has to have another operation on the 16th June but it should be ok as it's only a hernia repair & he should only be in hospital for 2 days but when they discharge him again he's going to need a higher level of care from me just like when he got discharged after the cancer operation. It's taking alot out of me but I will do it as he is the closest thing to a family member I have ever had & thats what you do for family but I feel I desperatly need a dy to myself where I don't have to worry about anything, just me & some fun. Aching to back to the zoo & just spend the day there with the animals & taking photos. I used to do that all the time but because of recent events I really haven't had the chance to do anything for myself. I dont regret it, I just miss it.
We find out if the cancer has returned in August when we meet with the surgeon again & I'm hoping he gets the all clear but I have to prepare myself as he is almost 86. Saying goodbye to him is going to be the hardest thing I will go through for a long time but I hope it wont happen for a while yet.
I love my cat Kizzy for giving me some of the things I need as she knows how I feel & has been sticking close to me when I'm home as animals just know things. It's nice to feel special & wanted by something.
At the start of this year I decided to breakup with my boyfriend after almost 10 years together as he just wasn't fulfilling my needs & I like to think I deserve (sorta) something better than what he was giving me, which wasn't much. He kept calling & texting me wanting to come over & see me so after a couple of months I agreed so I could explain things to him in person. He came over & we talked & I explained to him AGAIN why I didn't want to be with him anymore. After about an hour of this just before he left he said to me 'So we cant fool around anymore then?' I was like haven't you heard a fucking thing I have just said!!! Anyway he left very disappointed & I felt good, that I had finally made a right decision & put myself first. I didn't know just how right that decision I had made as 2 weeks later I found out that for the past 5 years of our relationship he has been married with 2 kids! What a fucking arsehole, I feel so bad for his wife as she is married to a liar & a fraud who cant keep his cock in his pants.

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Mothers Day

Fuck I hate this day, as well as the weeks of ads leading up to it depicting beautiful happy families with mothers who do everything for them & love them. It's so depressing to watch. Sometimes it makes me feel inferior which I know is stupid as they are only actors but it makes me think of the real life people who really are like that & I feel like shit because it makes me think about what is so wrong with me that my own Mother cant stand me but loves my half sister so much.
I tried so hard to be the perfect child staying out of Her way, never bothering her unnecessarily, not complaining about anything particularly about her never being there & doing all the things normal parents do for their children like cooking for them, washing their clothes, school lunches & most importantly LOVE them unconditionally. I have never felt love from her. When I was little I used to ask her all the time if she loved me, her answer was always yes but I knew she didnt mean it as a small child you can just FEEL the truth & I knew she was lying. She never once said to me in my childhood that she loved me although she was quite happy to tell me she hated me & I ruined her life that I heard quite often & that I believed as I could feel that she did really mean it. She was much more convincing when she said that rather than the limp answer I would get if I asked her if she loved me. All my life I've wanted my mother to love me & a small part of me still does but it is my cross to bear to accept that she never will.
I left home 11 months & 4 days after moving to the West Coast that was in 1992 & since then I have seen my mother 3 times except for the case conferences she had to attend when I was under the care of Childrens Services. Last time I saw her was January 2000. I have not seen my 19 y/o half sister since 1993.
God help anyone who may try to patch things up between Mother & I. The last person that tried to do that who had been Mother's friend for quite a while got completely cut out of her life. In Mother's mind if you have nothing to do with me then you can be her friend but if you try to help me or try to get her to meet with me then she perceives it that you are on my side & then she will have no more to do with that person. Same thing happened when I went Back to the East Coast for a visit & met with Mothers friend, as soon as she found out that was it that lady was cut out of her life. That's how petty & paranoid Mother is. Havng first hand experience of mental illness I do believe that Mother suffers from some sort of undiagnosed mental illness. She would never admit it though but to me it explains so much. When I got sent to my first psychiatrist she was furious, I was 14 & we had only been West for 3 months. I think it was mainly because she had to go in & see the shrink too on her own & she resented that as well as having to take me there as she thought it was all bullshit & I was making it all up but believe me you dont cut yourself & try to kill yourself if there is nothing wrong. I hadn't told her about the other abuses I had suffered as my faith in her shattered that day when I told her about the caretaker & she didnt believe me. From that point on I became more insular if that was possible, well when it came to sharing & talking about emotions & things that had happened to me; I'm still that way now.
So to all the good mothers out there have a great day you deserve it, love & cherish your children. For all the Mother's out there like mine I would like to send you all a huge FUCK YOU!!!!

Thursday, May 6, 2010

Part 11

I got shipped of to the West Coast 3 weeks earlier than was planned because I got absolutely drunk for the first time & had passed out on the road in the trailer park. Mother was so humiliated as she had to get a man in the trailer park to pick me up & carry me into the female shower block so Mother could shower me as I had been vomiting profusely & after she had done that & dressed me, he had to carry me back to our trailer & put me in bed. Mother called the police on me & wanted them to charge me with underage drinking! I was 14 then. The police were very cool as we lived in a very small town in the mountains & they just lectured me & went.
Mother was furious at me as the way she saw it I had embarrased her in front of everyone not once did she ask me who had given me the alcohol. I had drunk about 2 thirds of a bottle of Johnny Walker Red Label whiskey given to me by another man who lived in the trailer park I called 'Old John'.
He was another man who had slightly twisted ideas about what was appropriate behviour with a child. As I had lived in this trailer park since I was 8 y/o I idolised this older girl who lived in the park with her parents who I adored. She was almost finishing high school when we moved up to the mountains & I used to follow her around like a puppy & she was friends with Old John so I became friends with Old John. I remember not long before she finished high school she gave me her Garfield toy her father had given her when she was younger, I was so happy that she had given it to me & I cherished it then as I still do today. Garfield goes wherever I go & I cant go to sleep without him, he's a very well travelled cat now! He became even more special to me when she went away & joined the navy. I was happy for her but I missed her terriblely & then her father passed away from cancer. I was devestated as it was the first person I had cared about who had died. I bawled my eyes out at his funeral as I felt so bad for my friend at losing her father & also because I knew I wouldn't ever see him again that death is final. I think I was about 10 when he passed away. I often wonder about my friend & how she is now, with all my heart I hope she is happy & she doesn't know what an impact her friendship had on me when I was little.
I had started smoking cigarettes when I was 11 & a half. I didn't want to at the start but as I had made my first real friends that were my age I succumbed to peer pressure & stole some menthol smokes from my Mother. We snuck away & hid behind the toilet block & tried smoking them. I coughed my arse off & so did she but we persisted & I aquired a new habit. I gave mother's menthols a wide berth then I discovered that Old John would buy me cigarettes & dole them out to me as well as the caretaker of the trailer park. I was in heaven as I was finally a 'cool kid'. Not only that I had all these adults whowould give me smokes for nothing & not tell Mother. But there is a price to pay for everything & payment for Old John was about to be called in unbeknownst to me.
I was in his annexe with him one day it was a canvas annexe. I was smoking & I had an obsession with fire then & I was burning bits of paper in a glass ashtray mesmerised by the flames & apparentley I had heated the glass up to much & it exploded! So I went into his trailer to get something to clean it up, after I had picked up all the glass bits we sat down & had a bit of a laugh at it. Then he abruptly changed the subject & asked me if I had ever seen a mans erect penis. I froze at that point remembering what had happened with the stepbrother. I felt like I couldn't move & all of a sudden he had his shorts off & started masturbating in front of me. I can't remember what I said to get out of there but I fled up to one of my hidey spots in the mountain walking trails behind the trailer park & sat next to the creek for ages wondering what I had done for this to be happening to me again.
I stayed away from him for a few days then slowly became his friend again as I wanted the cigarettes as I was hooked on them by then & Old John never exposed himself in front of me again although he did talk alot about sex generally & I listened trying to be grown up. I also wanted to try & stay friends with him as he always got letters from my friend who gave me the Garfield toy & had since joined the Navy. It wasnt long after that when the caretaker started molesting me.
The things that hurt me most about the caretaker is not only the abuse he inflicted on me but also Mothers refusal to believe me, that I was telling the truth. That cut me to the bone & it still does today as she still chooses to believe to this day that it never happened that I made it all up that I am nothing but a lying troublemaker out to make her life a misery. I went back to the East Coast for the first time in 2006 & as part of my stay I went back up into the mountains & stayed for just over a week as not only did I want to see the trailer park where all this fucked up shit had happened I also wanted to see Mother's friend who was related to the caretaker & tell her what had happened all those years ago.
We had arranged to meet in this cafe close to where I was staying while I was up in the mountains also my friends Mum would be there. I was so nervous, I had butterflies in my stomach like you wouldn't believe. I hadn't seen these people for about 14 years then. We were all sitting down to lunch when I couldn't take it anymore & I blurted out to Mothers friend what the caretaker had done to me all those years ago. I expected her to react like Mother & tell me that I was lying, making it up, it was all in my head but to my utter shock & disbelief she tole me she BELIEVED me! At that moment a huge weight felt like it had been lifted off me, I couldn't believe that I had finally been believed! I felt validation for the first time when it came to that. Later on when it was just her & I she told me that years ago she had told Mother to watch him around me as he had already been accused by one of his daughters of the same things he had done to me & had a bit of a whispered reputation that maybe he liked to fiddle with children. I was so furious at Mother at that point because not only had she been warned about his tendancies but then when I finally had the courage to tell her he had been molesting me she denied it & called me a liar & still refuses to accept the truth. That nearly killed me. I haven't seen Mother since a brief meeting in January 2000 when me being me confronted her about the caretaker again thats when I found out he was dead & I told her I was glad he was dead coz at least then he couldn't hurt another child again. She didn't take that comment well & stormed out calling me a liar & a bitch as well as several other choice names. That was the last time I saw Mother & I doubt that I will ever see her again. It hurts sometimes but then I have to say to myself do I want such a toxic person in my life who has never shown me love? Abused me? Let others abuse me? Thinks I am a liar & bitch? That she wished she never had me? No! I dont want that type of person in my life but unfortunatly there will always be a part of me that craves her approval & love but for me that is a pipe dream & totally unrealistic. But what part of a child does not want their Mother's love? I just have to accept that that will never happen in my case no matter what.

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Part 10

At first things started out differently with the caretaker as I spoke of before. He started grooming me & Mother, I didn't realize what was going on as I had always gotten along better with adults than children; I thought I was making a new friend as I never had many friends. I couldn't see the nefarious intentions he had in mind.

The grooming process takes time & they work on both yourself & the parent though you dont realize until its too late, well the child anyway. He paid me attention that I sorely lacked at home, gave me jobs & paid me well for them, then he started buying presents for me which Mother knew of. As a child who had never felt love or affection from Mother this was all new to me & made me feel special at the time. If only Id've realized what he had in store for me I never would've been friends wih him, but as a child you are very naive & when you had already had the type of childhood I had it makes you even more vulnerable to pedophiles like him. He's dead now & I cant lie I was happy when I found that out because I thought at least he cant hurt anyone else anymore.

Being told I was special was like a drug for me the more he told me the more I craved the praise. I remember the first time he exposed himself to me. We were up at his daughters & grandkids farm but they had gone away & we were out picking blackberries I think. I was sitting down when he walked over to me & had on these really short shorts so when he leaned towards me his penis was exposed. I thought it was an accident & didnt really worry about it too much even though I had already had things happen with the stepbrother. I just wanted to believe so much that someone thought I was worth something! No one can really understand that need for praise love & validation unless they've experienced something similar, you can empathise but not truely understand.

Soon things started to escalate with his behaviour. He started putting hard core porn movies on his tv in the annexe & disappear into his trailer. I was confused as to why he was doing this so I just waited for him to come out & turn it off so I could go & do some work for him. He told me not to tell anyone & I didnt because at that stage I wasn't sure what was going on & I was desperate for any type of friendship & praise. I thought he was just being silly & it was all a game, little did I know.

The first time he molested me I was in his annexe & he was in the trailer. He called out to me to say he had something to show me. When I entered the trailer he was naked on the bed & told me to lie next to him as he had something special to do. I froze & I just did what he told me to do. I layed down on the bed on my stomach with my clothes on when he sat on my legs so I couldn't move much while he stuck his hand under my tracksuit pants & tried to digitally penertrate my vagina. I think then it hadnt been long since my 11th birthday. I couldn't understand why he was doing this to me as I thought he was my friend. After it was over he apologised & said it was just meant to be a game & not to tell Mother so as to not upset her, in shock I agreed.
From there on in it began happening more & more frequently. I always tried to tell myself it didnt happen or it was a dream as I still so desperately wanted to believe that I had a friend & I convinced myself that each time that it happened that it wouldn't happen again & that it was my fault & if I changed something I was doing something I was saying would stop it from happening but it didn't. He was telling me it was all an adult game & didn't I want to be grown up? That no one would believe me if I told someone anyway & with me really having no friends I believed him.
It went on for almost a year before that fateful trip when I decided I couldn't keep letting it happen as it wasn't going to stop unless I stopped it. That was when I took a gamble on telling Mother & that backfired spectaculary. But at least in my mind as I thought about it I had told even though having not been believed to me it didn't matter as I had gotten it off my chest & I never went near him alone again & tried to avoid him like the plague.

Thursday, April 29, 2010

Part 9

Shrink day today & what am I doing? Having a few whiskies before I have to go & see her. I cant cancel, I have to go even though I dont want to but thats part of the whole avoidance thing I suppose. I will read to her parts of my blog as I find that can be easier to do rather than discuss how it makes me feel as I dont like to feel things because I dont like losing control of myself & thats how I see it when I crying front of people, which is why I generally save that for when I am in my bed at night when it's dark & I'm alone.
I like being alone as then I cant get hurt by anything or anyone. I recently (well a couple of months now) broke up with my ex. We first dated when I was 17 & then got back together when I was 22. I loved him but I dont think that he loved me. I got pregnant not long after we got back together & I had an abortion as I did not & could not look after a child. That was one of the most horrendous things I have been through as I was so sick afterwards that I bled for almost two months. I finally cut the cord with him & I am glad I did but I dont think he took it too well as he keeps calling me every so often wanting to come & see me and I tell him not to bother. For me that's all in the past now & I have no desire to go back to that. In the words of Greta Garbo 'I want to be alone'.
I know that I drink too much & at times take too many pills but I have to as I hate being sober as that is when all the shit comes back into my head & I would much rather do whatever I can to stop it. I know it's not healthy or what I'm supposed to do but I dont give a fuck as I'd like to see other people experience what I have my whole life & see if they can handle the flashbacks, phobias, nightmares, destructive thoughts & all of the rest of the shit I have to live with & see if they could stay sober. I have given up illicit drugs except for pot occasionally so cigarettes, alcohol & the drugs my psychiatrist prescribes me just to get through most days.
I have this wall that I have built around myself like a fortress & I keep it that way because if you dont let people in you cant get hurt. I find it extraordinally difficult to even open up to my shrink even though I've been seeing her for 6 years now as I think I am weak & I dont like to show weakness because for me that is the worst. I blame myself for all the abuse I have suffered as I think it is my fault. If I had been prettier, smarter, less demanding then maybe Mother would have loved me. It was my fault I let pedophiles abuse me because I should have known better but I didnt.
When I was sexually abused by the pedophile who took over as caretaker of the trailer park I lived in on the East Coast, I thought it was because of me. I felt like I had a neon sign flashing over my head saying 'abuse me coz I deserve it as I am nothing but shit'. I remember the day when I finally felt I'd had enough & wanted to stop it. He had taken me away with Mothers blessing & his grand-daughter was there & thought I'd be safe, how wrong I was. On the last day of the little trip away he took me out without his grand-daughter & told me he loved me more than any other woman he had met, I was 12 then! He was about 55-56 then I cant remember. It was then I made up my mind that was it & couldn't bear it anymore & i was going to tell Mother what had been happening for the past year or so. I remember getting back to the trailer park & Mother was visiting one of her friends. I told her I needed to talk to her & tell her something. Reluctantly she agreed to talk to me, I told her what he had been doing to me & instead of her telling me it was over & everything would be alright I got the total opposite reaction. She called me a liar that I was making it all up & why did I have to lie about everything & make her life so difficult by being stuck with such a lying, ungrateful bitch as I. To this day she still does not believe me about the abuse & that cuts me to the core as it hurts so much.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Part 8

I haven't been having a good couple of days as I feel like shit & deppressed but I cant show it around my adopted grandad as I dont want him to know. Things came to a bit of a head yesterday. We both have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, his from the wars & mine from childhood & sometimes we can trigger each other off. It started over something stupid as usual & in his anger he said some terrible things to me & I responded verbally at first then as I always do with my anger I burst into tears. He was horrified after he had calmed down & kept apologising to me all day. I told him not to worry as it was over which it was because I know he doesn't mean the things he sometimes says. Yes it hurts at the time as it is what Mother did to me all my childhood but then I get over it.
As I haven't been feeling the best for a little while all I wanted to do was cut myself. I still feel like it now but I keep fighting it but its hard. After I watched the tv show I love & I'd already taken my medication for the night I layed in bed in the dark clutching my battered Garfield toy that I have had since I was 9y/o fighting the urge to go & cut up. I was crying & then started thinking about the best ways to kill myself. Thinking what bridges in my city are high enough to jump off that would kill me as I wouldn't throw myself in front of a train as I wouldn't want to put that on another person.
I think it's inevitable that one day I will kill myself but I wouldnt do it until my adopted grandad has passed on. I have no family ties or anything, yes I have a few good friends but I dont think Im meant to grow old. Im not going to get married or anything as I dont think I could make that commitment as I'm too afraid of abandonment & I dont want children as I could not handle the responsibility of looking after another human being & I dont want to pass on my fucked up genes, the buck stops here with me.
I know this can sound terribly morbid but when you have had the life I have had you just want it to be over. There is only so much my heart&soul can take & sometimes I feel I've reached the end of my tether & I just cant take anymore. I have to see the shrink this week but wish I didn't have to but I have to as I cancelled my last appt. It's funny coz I dont like crying in front of her, I dont want anybody to see me cry. I have this facade on all the time for the outside world. A few times I've cracked in front of my friends but then I reign it in & say everthing's alright when it isn't but I have to say it as I dont want to put anything on my friends.
But sometimes I just dont want to live this life, I'm over all the hurt & pain & memories & all the fucked up shit that makes me feel the way I do as I wonder how much longer can I take the pain in my heart & soul, it's breaking me. I dont know how much longer I can take this. All the drugs in the world well psychiatric ones anyway & alcohol cant take away the pain. I hate myself so much & as for Mother wishing I'd never been born, I wish for the same thing.

Saturday, April 24, 2010

Part 7

When Pa retired he moved to the West Coast, I soon found out that we were going too. I was devestated as after all I had been through for the first time in my life for the previous 3 years I finally had a few friends I was really close to, one person in particular. I adored her & still do, we stay in touch & when I went back to the East Coast in 06 we caught up for the first time since I left. It was wonderful to be back there & see people I had not seen for 14 years then and had missed terribly.
Before we moved to the West Coast things had been pretty bad for me privately. We moved up to the mountains not long after the stepbrother had gone from the house. We had to move to find something cheaper as my stepdad was paying child support as well as paying for his ex wifes house so we moved into a trailer park up in the mountains. It took me a while to get used to living in a trailer again as it bought back memories of the other time I lived in a trailer. Once we had a proper annexe put on & I sorta had my own room I adjusted.
I was halfway through grade 3 then & it was hard going to yet another school as this was my 6th by then & it was hard fitting in because as it was a small town everyone had grown up together & I was seen as an outsider which I have always been I suppose. So I made a great target for the bullies. I was ostracized straight away first the bullying calling me names such as 'red headed rat rooter' I will never forget that nor the main person who used to sling that at me. No one would come near me at reccess at lunchtime or afternoon play so once again I took refuge in teachers, the library & schoolwork which at times made it worse as then I was a teachers pet & nerd but I couldn't help it as I needed to feel safe SOMEWHERE. I never felt at home at home & I used to dread school because of what the other children would do, also living in the trailer park the kids used to call me poor orphan Annie & white trash.
I once fractured my skull in the playground & I remember walking myself to the nurses office on my own with blood pouring out of my nose & not one person would help me. The one upside to this I remember is not only not being able to go to school, Mother was actually sort of nice to m & seemed to show some concern for my health which was a first believe me & I revelled in it. I thought Mother actually had started to love me, how wrong I turned out to be.
I just have to say that even though Mother was named after a saint she delighted in playing the martyr of what a horrible, badly behaved, ungrateful & simply impossible child she had in me. Fuck I can say the same things about her & her parental skills or lack thereof.
We had a live in caretaker in the trailer park & I was friends with them & their children. We didnt go to the same school as they went to a Catholic school but the eldest daughter was my first real friend. Her & I used to rollerskate together, play & go off exploring together, I was so upset when they bought their own block of land & built a house on it. One one hand I was happy for them as they were getting a REAL home but I was going to miss having my first friend around all the time, we still stayed friends after they moved but it wasnt the same & we ended up drifting apart.
As a result of them moving out we got another caretaker & that's when things went even more downhill. Although that wasn't the case when he first took over as he took an interest in me & befriended Mother. He gave her cash in hand cleaning work & sometimes paid me $40 to clean the toilet&shower blocks in the trailer park. That was fucking good money for two hours work for anyone in the mid 80's let alone a kid but I was told not to tell Mother he was giving me that much it was our secret & he didnt want to upset Mother by spoiling me. I did not know it at the time but the pedophilic grooming proccess had just begun.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Part 6

I did something just then that sometimes I feel I have to do for the sake of my own emotional health especially if I'm already feeling a bit fragile & need to block for a little bit. I rang up & cancelled my appointment with my psychiatrist. I do that sometimes as I just know when I would be in there it would be a waste of both of our times as nothing is going to come of it as sometimes I just can't verbalize stuff. I need a day to myself & a break.
For the past 10 months I have been looking after the only person in my life that has been like family for the past 10 years. He is now in his mid 80's & last year just before my 32nd birthday he got diagnosed with lung cancer. He used to be a smoker because of his military & war service in 3 major conflicts including Vietnam, he is an old soldier through & through.
His wife had died from lung cancer before I met him in 2001 as she passed away in '99. We talk about her all he time. When he got diagnosed I was so scared that he was going to die but luckily, Thank Goddess when he had the full body scan to see if the cancer had spread came up clean so the doctors were able to operate & remove the cancer. As a result he had the operation, cancer removed & no chemotherapy or radio therapy which is great have the follow up with the surgeon in August. So since his hospitalisation & release from hospital I have been caring for him. Doing all of the shopping, cooking, bill paying, errands, cleaning as well as looking after him & making sure that he is recovering well, which he is.
As a result I really haven't had a day to myself in 7 months. I don't resent doing it all, I love looking after him as he means the world to me & I would do anything to help & look after him & make him happy as to me he is my Grandfather. I have no relationship of any kind with either my biological mother, half sister & now my blood grandad who I called Pa as according to her , Pa is now in a nursing home suffering from dementia. I dont know what to believe when it comes to what she says to me as she has a lifelong history of lying & making up stories if it will serve her needs.
So I will do anything for my adopted grandad as he REALLY cares for me no strings attached & he thinks of me as his his daughter.
So I've taken an afternoon for myself when I can just be on my own with my cat although she's outside at the moment have a drink, have a choof (yes I still smoke pot but responsibly), smoke cigarettes (again yes I continue to smoke cigarettes despite recent events) watch my favourite shows then have a real early night as I'm dying for a good nights sleep!! I need it. It has been good spending the afternoon to myself.
My shrink knows that I do it & she accepts my lame excuses then makes another appointment for seven days time. They didnt understand that in the public health system & that's why I got booted from them but I have been seeing one in the private sector now for the past 6 years, she is good.

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Part 5

I didn't realize that Mother & my stepdad used amphetamines even though my stepfather was quite open about it with me as I used to go away alot with him in his truck. He used to say he was going to have some 'shakers' or he was going to have a clout. I just thought he meant Coca-Cola, that's how naive I was. He gave me my first taste of speed when I was almost 13 y/o. We were on a north-south run & it was about 1am when we pulled into a small town for something to eat& drink. When my stepdad got back in the truck he had this white powder on one of his fingers & licked half of it off & asked if I wanted the other half. I asked him what it was & he replied 'speed' being still basically a kid I asked him if it would kill me, he said no so I took it. Had the best night that night talking to him at a hundred miles a minute & bopping away to all the music I put on the trucks cassette system. Ironically later on when I developed my own drug habit I rarely touched street speed as I thought it cant be that bad if my stepdad gave me some all those years ago so I used pharmaceutical speed instead in the form of Duromine as I knew that speed was clean & I could get it from what I used to call my drug doctor, he was a GP & used to give me anythin I asked for as he liked all the working girls as he could get away with stuff he couldnt with a normal patient.
Yes by the time I had a serious drug habit I turned to prostitution to pay for it as I didnt want to rob people or commit fraud and at least then the only person I was hurting was myself. I'd been hooking on & off since I was 15 & was out of home. I loved being on ecstasy & all the other shit I used to take as at least then I felt happy & confident & could block out all the bad things that had happened & were happening. Drugs saved my life as at that point I had nothing to live for except getting up, getting high & feeling happy. I can say in all honesty that if I had not been taking drugs in that period of my life I would not be here as they were the only things stopping me from killing myself. I know thats not a popular statement but its true. For me then it was like 'do I get up today & take some ecstasy, lsd, speed,pot or do I kill myself?' Invariably the drugs won everytime! Thank Goddess or I would not be here now. Not many people can say in all honesty that drugs saved their lives but in my case it is absolutely true. Anything I could snort, swallow, inhale I did it. Only ever injected drugs 11 times in my life as I didn't like it & the times I did it was because it was already mixed up & I wanted the drugs. We never shared needles my friends had to do it for me as I couldnt inject myself & the needles were always brand new.
Fuck I have alot of good memories from those drug fucked days! We used to run amok!

Monday, April 19, 2010

Part 4

We moved around alot as a small child. By the time we settled up in the mountains I was starting at my 6th primary school, so as a result I never really made any friends. I was bullied mercilessly mainly because of my bright red hair which Mother always had cut so I looked like a boy. I hated going to school as I dreaded reccess & lunchtime so when I got out of class at those times I used to go into the library & read loads of books until it was time to go back to class. I loved all my teachers in the early days and I used to try my best as I craved the praise from the teachers telling me I was very smart & exceeded expectations. It was about the only time I received that sort of validation & praise. Of course being good at lessons made me more of a target for the bullies but even by that young age I was used to being picked on & being told I was nothing.
I have always gotten along with adults even as a small child. I remember in one place we lived in there was a nice lady I was friends with across the road from us & I was so desperate for praise from adults I used to go over to her house and vacuum it from top to bottom just so I could hear her tell me what a good job I had done & what a nice polite well mannered child I was, something I had never heard at home from Mothers lips. To this day I still love to vacuum.
It was in this house we lived in when the stepbrother came to live with us. I was 7 he was 16 then. He got sent to live with us as he had been getting into alot of trouble with the police & the courts & his mother couldnt handle him anymore as she was mentally ill. At first I was happy that the stepbrother was there as I used to think he was a really cool person, you are very impressionable as a child. I used to do anything to hang out with him, go out riding our bikes all day as my stepdad had gotten me a second hand bike that I loved & had for years, catching tadpoles & taking them home & raising them until they were miniture frogs then go back to the ponds in the park & release them.
As he was in high school he had some older friends & that was when things changed for me on one particular day. I was playing by myself in the backyard when the stepbrother came and told me he had something to show me at his friends house up the road. I was happy as I thought it might be a lizard or something as we used to catch them & keep them in tanks & feed them & look after them like pets but it turned out to be something completely different him & his friends had in mind. He took me into the house & said what he had to show me was in a room at the back of the house so I followed him. We got to the room & he knocked on the door when he door opened he pushed me inside shut the door & locked it. Inside were about 9 of his friends & they all had their pants down & were masturbating with one of them lying on the bed. Immediatly I started screaming, crying & trying to get out of the room but as the door was locked all I could do was pull on it & begging to be let out while all the boys said disgusting things & that they were going to have sex with me after they finished wanking & I'd licked up all the cum. I was so terrified & eventually the stepbrother unlocked the door & I ran out of the house crying.
Later when stepbrother came back to the house he apologised profusely saying they hadn't meant it that it was all a joke that he thought I would find funny & nothing like that would ever happen again. Stupidly after a while I believed it & sort of started to trust him again as I was so desperate for a friend & after all he had promised & we had to live in the same house. It didnt last to long though. Early one weekend morning when my stepdad was still on the road & Mother was still at work he called me into his room under the premise of looking at his lizards. He asked me to lie down on his bed next to him as he wanted to give me a hug as he said he now thought of me as his sister as he had been living with us for almost a year then & it had been a few months since the 'joke' incident had occurred so I did. Next thing I know he's on top of me putting his hands down my pajama pants trying to stick his finger in my vagina whilst at the same time trying to force my hands onto his erect penis as he had me pinned just by his weight alone as I was almost 8 then & he was almost 17. Again I started crying & screaming begging him to stop & leave me alone which after what seemed an eternity to me it stopped & I fled, got dressed as quickly as I could got on my bicycle & went riding through the huge park at the end of the road & stayed there all day until dusk when I knew I had to go home.
That park became my escape it was huge it had a bike trail that went from one end to the other that was 12 kilometres long. It had lots of ponds & marshy areas & I had a few favourite hidey spots I would sit in & just think & be by myself with nature it was the only timeI felt safe. Sometimes I would even take a book out there & something to drink & just find one of my hidey holes & stay there until dusk & I had to go home. I loved it there listening to the birds, smelling the flowers, feeling the breeze on my face, being alone & feeling safe.
I suppose the one good thing about Mother not caring about me at all is that I could do whatever I wanted & go where I wanted for however as long as I wanted as she either didn't care or was at work at the nursing homes where then she still mainly worked the night shift as I think she liked it as it was easier than days & plus the speed habit. But when she was at home & coming down from the speed I was always her target. Again saying she should send me away to the little girls home as she didnt want me as I was just a pain in her arse. Needless to say I said nothing to her about what the stepbrother had done & I certainly did not tell my stepdad as he was the only adult in my 'family' that seemed to love me & I didn't want to risk losing his love. It was the only love I had. I kept away from the stepbrother like the plague & rigged up a way so no one could get into my room. That went onfor a while & eventually he went back to his mother as he was still getting into trouble. Goddess I was so happy when I found out the stepbrother had gone. I felt a bit safer then.

Saturday, April 17, 2010

Part 3

It's so hard to deal with that shit as a kid but it can get even worse when my stepdad who was a truckie was away 12 out of 14 days and mother who was on speed worked night shift ironically as an enrolled Nurse in aged care facilities. When that was going on I was in about Grade 1 so I had to learn to cook what food might be in the house & see if there was anything if I could take to school the next day for lunch. I always used to love it when my stepdad got home from his trucking runs as she always organised her roster at work so when he came back she had time off & was home. I really think that mother loves my stepdad even though she has and continues to make him compliciant in her lies & deceptions. He has 3 kids & an ex wife so back then most of the money he earnt went to supporting them. I loved my stepsisters, idolising them even if some of the time they resented me as I had their dad living with me & my mother even though I didn't want her, my stepbrother, well thats a whole other story.
Anyway when he came back from the roads she went all out cooking a really good meal & bec my stepdad I like to think loved me in his own way I always got to eat with them. I used to devour my food so quickly as I couldn't believe what I was given to eat. Steak, mashed potatoes, garlic mushrooms all the sorts of food I dreamed about eating. I used to count the days until he got back thinking of what she would cook for him & I got to eat it too. It was about the only time I had anything decent to eat in a fortnight bec. as a 7 y/o your cooking skills are rather limited if there was anything there at all. Sometimes when I was a bit older I would take a little bit of money from her purse when she was asleep & that night go down to the chip shop for dinner 50 cents worth of hot chips. Gosh I loved & still do the smell of freshly cooked french fries
As a small child it is hard to understand & even harder to accept that you are not loved by your mother. My biological father has never been in the picture, to this day I dont even know his name & he is not on my birth certificate. Everytime when I was little & I asked her about who my real father is, she used to get really angry at me & swear at me saying "It's none of your fucking business". Every time I asked her that question I got the same aggressive response. After a while I learnt not to ask anymore just to try & keep the peace. I was always afraid of upsetting her or giving her another reason to yell & scream at me telling me how much she didn't want me & she should just send me away to the little girls home. When I was small we lived in a trailer park in a country town, our trailer was so small my bedroom in my one bedroom flat now is bigger than the trailer we lived in when I was a toddler. We were dirt poor while I was a toddler as she was too busy either taking speed or being with her many boyfriends & collecting welfare checks which certainly did not go towards looking after me. It went on speed, cigarettes & whatever her boyfriend wanted. At one stage I was eating out of the trailer park garbage bins out of desperation. To this day I remember the joy I used to feel when I would find a discarded McDonalds bag as I could always be sure there would be some leftover fries down the bottom of the paper bag.
I suffer from several psychiatric illnesses as a result of the abuse I suffered not only in childhood but adolecense & aduldhood as well. I have to take 5 different medicatons every day to keep me semi stable & out of psychiatric hospitals as I would rather kill myself than be put back in hospital. I have not been in hospital for almost 10 years now & I aim to keep it that way. It hasn't been easy staying out of hospital but I WILL NOT go back into them. So I take my anti-deppressants, anti-psychotics, anti-anxiety & sleeping pills every day like a good little girl.
Sometimes I hate taking my meds aas they have made me put on weight & as an ex-anorexia sufferer this has been one of the hardest things to accept is being fat because of the medication, if you ever truely recover from anorexia as you still have the same mindset & thoughts. I went off my meds once so I could lose weight and lose the weight I did, but it came at a price as I started losing the plot again. It took my psychiatrists a long time to convince me to resume taking them again. Eventually the threat to put me in hospital involuntariy & medicate me forcefully, I reluctantly agreed to go back on them.
I have nothing to do with mother as she refuses to acknowledge things that have happened in the past & has created this whole fantasy of hers interwoven with so many lies it would take years to unravel. I have a 19 y/o half sister whom I have not seen since she was 1 and a half years old as that is when I had to leave home.
I think that is my one true regret I have about leaving home is my sister. I absolutely adored her & so did she & she was everthing I wasn't as a baby. Beautiful,quiet, slept through the night & most important wanted & loved. I didn't resent my sister when she was born as all my childhood the thing I had wanted the most was a baby sister & my prayers were answered when she was born just after I turned 13. I fell in love with her from the first moment I saw her all bundled up in a pink blanket next to her all pink & wrinkled but sooo gorgeous. I got to choose one of her middle names after pestering her for months about it. Letting me do that & letting me leave home are probably the only 2 nice things she ever did for me. Not that she had much of a choice in the me leaving home bit!
From the moment my lil sis came home I doted on her. I used to rush home from school or wagging school as I did most days so I could feed her, play with her, spend time with her, bath her even change her nappies! I even used to get up a couple of times during the night to check on her as I was so scared of S.I.D.S I couldn't sleep well unless I checked on her to make sure she was still breathing & she was safe. I did that until she was 16 months old. That was when we still lived on the East Coast.
I was born & bred on the East Coast & I loved it. I used to spend all my time on my own just exploring, thinking & trying to stay out of her way which after my stepfather rescued us from the abusive boyfriend when I was about 4 and a half. I still remember standing on the side of the road at approx 4am waiting for my stepdad to pick us up in his semi truck & take us away from this horrible abusive arsehole she once loved and let him beat the shit out of me, burn me with his cigarettes & probably some things I have forgotten now as I was so young.
I thought of my stepdad as a hero as he had taken me away from the arsehole & I started being properly fed most of the time & clothed.
As a toddler being neglected I had only scrummy second hand dresses & no panties. For a while after my stepdad had rescued me I still had second hand clothing but I had new panties to wear. The only thing I can think of of where I felt humiliated & hurt by my stepdad was when he used to tease me and call me "no panties girl" as a reference to when I had no underwear & he bought me my first pairs of panties. And when he used to join in with her and threaten to send me away to the dreaded girls home. After a while I began to wish she would send me there! Just to get away from her and feeling so unwanted & unloved as I couldn't understand that if she hated me so much as she made clear, why did she keep me? Why didn't she put me up for adoption?

Friday, April 16, 2010

Early years

From the time I have my earliest memory I knew my mother didn't love me. It was hard to understand as a 3& half year old, but as a kid you just know it; you feel it in the total disinterest in you. Not feeding you not clothing you properly, not caring if I wandered around on my own looking for something to do, anything to keep me away from her & the boyfriend who used to delight in tormenting me. I remember once being bashed & thrown against the caravan walls because I refused to call him Daddy. I knew he wasn't my father even at that young age. One of his favourite party games was putting out his cigarettes on my arms, yeah what a real charmer! Mother was never any help as she was either of her face on drugs & she just didnt care, she loved him & I was just in her way. She wished I'd never been born she used to tell me, I ruined her life, she should send me away to the little girls home where all the bad& horrible girls like me belonged.