Part 8

I haven't been having a good couple of days as I feel like shit & deppressed but I cant show it around my adopted grandad as I dont want him to know. Things came to a bit of a head yesterday. We both have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, his from the wars & mine from childhood & sometimes we can trigger each other off. It started over something stupid as usual & in his anger he said some terrible things to me & I responded verbally at first then as I always do with my anger I burst into tears. He was horrified after he had calmed down & kept apologising to me all day. I told him not to worry as it was over which it was because I know he doesn't mean the things he sometimes says. Yes it hurts at the time as it is what Mother did to me all my childhood but then I get over it.
As I haven't been feeling the best for a little while all I wanted to do was cut myself. I still feel like it now but I keep fighting it but its hard. After I watched the tv show I love & I'd already taken my medication for the night I layed in bed in the dark clutching my battered Garfield toy that I have had since I was 9y/o fighting the urge to go & cut up. I was crying & then started thinking about the best ways to kill myself. Thinking what bridges in my city are high enough to jump off that would kill me as I wouldn't throw myself in front of a train as I wouldn't want to put that on another person.
I think it's inevitable that one day I will kill myself but I wouldnt do it until my adopted grandad has passed on. I have no family ties or anything, yes I have a few good friends but I dont think Im meant to grow old. Im not going to get married or anything as I dont think I could make that commitment as I'm too afraid of abandonment & I dont want children as I could not handle the responsibility of looking after another human being & I dont want to pass on my fucked up genes, the buck stops here with me.
I know this can sound terribly morbid but when you have had the life I have had you just want it to be over. There is only so much my heart&soul can take & sometimes I feel I've reached the end of my tether & I just cant take anymore. I have to see the shrink this week but wish I didn't have to but I have to as I cancelled my last appt. It's funny coz I dont like crying in front of her, I dont want anybody to see me cry. I have this facade on all the time for the outside world. A few times I've cracked in front of my friends but then I reign it in & say everthing's alright when it isn't but I have to say it as I dont want to put anything on my friends.
But sometimes I just dont want to live this life, I'm over all the hurt & pain & memories & all the fucked up shit that makes me feel the way I do as I wonder how much longer can I take the pain in my heart & soul, it's breaking me. I dont know how much longer I can take this. All the drugs in the world well psychiatric ones anyway & alcohol cant take away the pain. I hate myself so much & as for Mother wishing I'd never been born, I wish for the same thing.