Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Part 10

At first things started out differently with the caretaker as I spoke of before. He started grooming me & Mother, I didn't realize what was going on as I had always gotten along better with adults than children; I thought I was making a new friend as I never had many friends. I couldn't see the nefarious intentions he had in mind.

The grooming process takes time & they work on both yourself & the parent though you dont realize until its too late, well the child anyway. He paid me attention that I sorely lacked at home, gave me jobs & paid me well for them, then he started buying presents for me which Mother knew of. As a child who had never felt love or affection from Mother this was all new to me & made me feel special at the time. If only Id've realized what he had in store for me I never would've been friends wih him, but as a child you are very naive & when you had already had the type of childhood I had it makes you even more vulnerable to pedophiles like him. He's dead now & I cant lie I was happy when I found that out because I thought at least he cant hurt anyone else anymore.

Being told I was special was like a drug for me the more he told me the more I craved the praise. I remember the first time he exposed himself to me. We were up at his daughters & grandkids farm but they had gone away & we were out picking blackberries I think. I was sitting down when he walked over to me & had on these really short shorts so when he leaned towards me his penis was exposed. I thought it was an accident & didnt really worry about it too much even though I had already had things happen with the stepbrother. I just wanted to believe so much that someone thought I was worth something! No one can really understand that need for praise love & validation unless they've experienced something similar, you can empathise but not truely understand.

Soon things started to escalate with his behaviour. He started putting hard core porn movies on his tv in the annexe & disappear into his trailer. I was confused as to why he was doing this so I just waited for him to come out & turn it off so I could go & do some work for him. He told me not to tell anyone & I didnt because at that stage I wasn't sure what was going on & I was desperate for any type of friendship & praise. I thought he was just being silly & it was all a game, little did I know.

The first time he molested me I was in his annexe & he was in the trailer. He called out to me to say he had something to show me. When I entered the trailer he was naked on the bed & told me to lie next to him as he had something special to do. I froze & I just did what he told me to do. I layed down on the bed on my stomach with my clothes on when he sat on my legs so I couldn't move much while he stuck his hand under my tracksuit pants & tried to digitally penertrate my vagina. I think then it hadnt been long since my 11th birthday. I couldn't understand why he was doing this to me as I thought he was my friend. After it was over he apologised & said it was just meant to be a game & not to tell Mother so as to not upset her, in shock I agreed.
From there on in it began happening more & more frequently. I always tried to tell myself it didnt happen or it was a dream as I still so desperately wanted to believe that I had a friend & I convinced myself that each time that it happened that it wouldn't happen again & that it was my fault & if I changed something I was doing something I was saying would stop it from happening but it didn't. He was telling me it was all an adult game & didn't I want to be grown up? That no one would believe me if I told someone anyway & with me really having no friends I believed him.
It went on for almost a year before that fateful trip when I decided I couldn't keep letting it happen as it wasn't going to stop unless I stopped it. That was when I took a gamble on telling Mother & that backfired spectaculary. But at least in my mind as I thought about it I had told even though having not been believed to me it didn't matter as I had gotten it off my chest & I never went near him alone again & tried to avoid him like the plague.

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