Part 6

I did something just then that sometimes I feel I have to do for the sake of my own emotional health especially if I'm already feeling a bit fragile & need to block for a little bit. I rang up & cancelled my appointment with my psychiatrist. I do that sometimes as I just know when I would be in there it would be a waste of both of our times as nothing is going to come of it as sometimes I just can't verbalize stuff. I need a day to myself & a break.
For the past 10 months I have been looking after the only person in my life that has been like family for the past 10 years. He is now in his mid 80's & last year just before my 32nd birthday he got diagnosed with lung cancer. He used to be a smoker because of his military & war service in 3 major conflicts including Vietnam, he is an old soldier through & through.
His wife had died from lung cancer before I met him in 2001 as she passed away in '99. We talk about her all he time. When he got diagnosed I was so scared that he was going to die but luckily, Thank Goddess when he had the full body scan to see if the cancer had spread came up clean so the doctors were able to operate & remove the cancer. As a result he had the operation, cancer removed & no chemotherapy or radio therapy which is great have the follow up with the surgeon in August. So since his hospitalisation & release from hospital I have been caring for him. Doing all of the shopping, cooking, bill paying, errands, cleaning as well as looking after him & making sure that he is recovering well, which he is.
As a result I really haven't had a day to myself in 7 months. I don't resent doing it all, I love looking after him as he means the world to me & I would do anything to help & look after him & make him happy as to me he is my Grandfather. I have no relationship of any kind with either my biological mother, half sister & now my blood grandad who I called Pa as according to her , Pa is now in a nursing home suffering from dementia. I dont know what to believe when it comes to what she says to me as she has a lifelong history of lying & making up stories if it will serve her needs.
So I will do anything for my adopted grandad as he REALLY cares for me no strings attached & he thinks of me as his his daughter.
So I've taken an afternoon for myself when I can just be on my own with my cat although she's outside at the moment have a drink, have a choof (yes I still smoke pot but responsibly), smoke cigarettes (again yes I continue to smoke cigarettes despite recent events) watch my favourite shows then have a real early night as I'm dying for a good nights sleep!! I need it. It has been good spending the afternoon to myself.
My shrink knows that I do it & she accepts my lame excuses then makes another appointment for seven days time. They didnt understand that in the public health system & that's why I got booted from them but I have been seeing one in the private sector now for the past 6 years, she is good.