Part 11

I got shipped of to the West Coast 3 weeks earlier than was planned because I got absolutely drunk for the first time & had passed out on the road in the trailer park. Mother was so humiliated as she had to get a man in the trailer park to pick me up & carry me into the female shower block so Mother could shower me as I had been vomiting profusely & after she had done that & dressed me, he had to carry me back to our trailer & put me in bed. Mother called the police on me & wanted them to charge me with underage drinking! I was 14 then. The police were very cool as we lived in a very small town in the mountains & they just lectured me & went.
Mother was furious at me as the way she saw it I had embarrased her in front of everyone not once did she ask me who had given me the alcohol. I had drunk about 2 thirds of a bottle of Johnny Walker Red Label whiskey given to me by another man who lived in the trailer park I called 'Old John'.
He was another man who had slightly twisted ideas about what was appropriate behviour with a child. As I had lived in this trailer park since I was 8 y/o I idolised this older girl who lived in the park with her parents who I adored. She was almost finishing high school when we moved up to the mountains & I used to follow her around like a puppy & she was friends with Old John so I became friends with Old John. I remember not long before she finished high school she gave me her Garfield toy her father had given her when she was younger, I was so happy that she had given it to me & I cherished it then as I still do today. Garfield goes wherever I go & I cant go to sleep without him, he's a very well travelled cat now! He became even more special to me when she went away & joined the navy. I was happy for her but I missed her terriblely & then her father passed away from cancer. I was devestated as it was the first person I had cared about who had died. I bawled my eyes out at his funeral as I felt so bad for my friend at losing her father & also because I knew I wouldn't ever see him again that death is final. I think I was about 10 when he passed away. I often wonder about my friend & how she is now, with all my heart I hope she is happy & she doesn't know what an impact her friendship had on me when I was little.
I had started smoking cigarettes when I was 11 & a half. I didn't want to at the start but as I had made my first real friends that were my age I succumbed to peer pressure & stole some menthol smokes from my Mother. We snuck away & hid behind the toilet block & tried smoking them. I coughed my arse off & so did she but we persisted & I aquired a new habit. I gave mother's menthols a wide berth then I discovered that Old John would buy me cigarettes & dole them out to me as well as the caretaker of the trailer park. I was in heaven as I was finally a 'cool kid'. Not only that I had all these adults whowould give me smokes for nothing & not tell Mother. But there is a price to pay for everything & payment for Old John was about to be called in unbeknownst to me.
I was in his annexe with him one day it was a canvas annexe. I was smoking & I had an obsession with fire then & I was burning bits of paper in a glass ashtray mesmerised by the flames & apparentley I had heated the glass up to much & it exploded! So I went into his trailer to get something to clean it up, after I had picked up all the glass bits we sat down & had a bit of a laugh at it. Then he abruptly changed the subject & asked me if I had ever seen a mans erect penis. I froze at that point remembering what had happened with the stepbrother. I felt like I couldn't move & all of a sudden he had his shorts off & started masturbating in front of me. I can't remember what I said to get out of there but I fled up to one of my hidey spots in the mountain walking trails behind the trailer park & sat next to the creek for ages wondering what I had done for this to be happening to me again.
I stayed away from him for a few days then slowly became his friend again as I wanted the cigarettes as I was hooked on them by then & Old John never exposed himself in front of me again although he did talk alot about sex generally & I listened trying to be grown up. I also wanted to try & stay friends with him as he always got letters from my friend who gave me the Garfield toy & had since joined the Navy. It wasnt long after that when the caretaker started molesting me.
The things that hurt me most about the caretaker is not only the abuse he inflicted on me but also Mothers refusal to believe me, that I was telling the truth. That cut me to the bone & it still does today as she still chooses to believe to this day that it never happened that I made it all up that I am nothing but a lying troublemaker out to make her life a misery. I went back to the East Coast for the first time in 2006 & as part of my stay I went back up into the mountains & stayed for just over a week as not only did I want to see the trailer park where all this fucked up shit had happened I also wanted to see Mother's friend who was related to the caretaker & tell her what had happened all those years ago.
We had arranged to meet in this cafe close to where I was staying while I was up in the mountains also my friends Mum would be there. I was so nervous, I had butterflies in my stomach like you wouldn't believe. I hadn't seen these people for about 14 years then. We were all sitting down to lunch when I couldn't take it anymore & I blurted out to Mothers friend what the caretaker had done to me all those years ago. I expected her to react like Mother & tell me that I was lying, making it up, it was all in my head but to my utter shock & disbelief she tole me she BELIEVED me! At that moment a huge weight felt like it had been lifted off me, I couldn't believe that I had finally been believed! I felt validation for the first time when it came to that. Later on when it was just her & I she told me that years ago she had told Mother to watch him around me as he had already been accused by one of his daughters of the same things he had done to me & had a bit of a whispered reputation that maybe he liked to fiddle with children. I was so furious at Mother at that point because not only had she been warned about his tendancies but then when I finally had the courage to tell her he had been molesting me she denied it & called me a liar & still refuses to accept the truth. That nearly killed me. I haven't seen Mother since a brief meeting in January 2000 when me being me confronted her about the caretaker again thats when I found out he was dead & I told her I was glad he was dead coz at least then he couldn't hurt another child again. She didn't take that comment well & stormed out calling me a liar & a bitch as well as several other choice names. That was the last time I saw Mother & I doubt that I will ever see her again. It hurts sometimes but then I have to say to myself do I want such a toxic person in my life who has never shown me love? Abused me? Let others abuse me? Thinks I am a liar & bitch? That she wished she never had me? No! I dont want that type of person in my life but unfortunatly there will always be a part of me that craves her approval & love but for me that is a pipe dream & totally unrealistic. But what part of a child does not want their Mother's love? I just have to accept that that will never happen in my case no matter what.