Thoughts in my mind :(

I haven't been sleeping to well the past couple of days despite all the alcohol, pills & pot I have been trying to smother all my feelings with. been having loads of bad dreams & thoughts lately. I missed my last appointment with my psychiatrist as I just couldn't face going. I had just had a rent inspection & spent the previous 3 days in an absolute panic convinced that my real estate was going to throw me out of my home. To others that might sound stupid but when you have the illnesses I have it is a certain reality until it's all over and you can breathe a sigh of relief until the next one comes around. Logically I know it's shit as I have been with the same estate agents for just over 9 years now but it doesn't matter as soon as I get that letter I'm convinced I'm going to be evicted. As someone who has never really felt secure in any home since I was a child when I get that letter I go straight into panic mode.
 So after it was all over the last thing I wanted to do was go and see my shrink! Often when I miss an appointment with her she calls me & she didn't this time. So I will have to call her office on Monday to make another appointment. I think she understands why I do it as I had been feeling so burnt out I hardly had the energy to scratch my own arse!
 Now that extra bit of work is over now & as much as found it difficult to do as it was FAR out of my zone of comfort, I enjoyed doing it and because it was one of my friends it was easier for me to agree to doing it as there is no way I could've done what I did if it wasn't one of my friends asking me for help. Now I sorta (but not much) miss it, as it was good to be doing something again & feel USEFUL!
That's it for today..Grandys awake & it's time for me to start cooking dinner :-)