Saturday, October 22, 2011

Fuck everything!!!

It's been a long time since I've been on here as I've had so much shit happening in my life. I spent my 34th birthday in the hospital with my Grandy as he can't eat or drink anything anymore so he has a tube that goes into his stomach to get nutrition into him.
It's been challenging to say the least coz I'm his primary carer I'm the one that cops the brunt of his bad moods which is really hard to take sometimes as I have my own psychiatric illnesses to deal with & at times it's so hard to keep going & smiling pretending that everything is ok when it's not.
My drinking has escalated so much as I don't know how else to deal with all this pain in my heart. On my way home last night I just didn't have the energy to go on & collapsed on the footpath & just started crying. Someone must have called the police as the next thing I knew they were there and I was trying to explain to them I just wanted to go home & be with my cat & go to sleep but instead they called an ambulance & I ended up in a hospital I hate as I've had alot of friends die there & I was freaking out so bad but no one seemed to understand why I was the way I was at Charlies coz all I could think about was my friends who never made it out of there alive.
I love to look after my Grandy but at time it takes so much energy from me especially when he's having a bad day & I cope abuse & told I'm nothing, I take it to heart. I know he doesn't mean it but at thr time it hurts so bad as that is the sort of shit I had to take from my Mother.
Sometimes it doesn't seem worth going on but I know I have to as all my Grandy has is me & that's alot of pressure to deal with.
I must've been a real arsehole in my last incarnation to have all this crap in my life now.
I just wonder sometimes if it's all worth it as I don't know how much more I can take as I already feel so broken. 

1 comment:

  1. Hi, are you doing any better? I know it's been a year since you wrote this, but I ran across your blog, and want to be available to you if you need someone to talk to. God loves you--I'm sorry to hear about all the hard stuff--but you're really worth the time. He made you, and that wasn't a mistake.

    -Jon from Milwaukee