Friday, May 28, 2010

Not a good few weeks

I haven't written here for a while as I have had a fucked couple of weeks where I have been feeling like shit & so burnt out as well as worn out. The only highlight has been when I got some more tattoos done 3 weeks ago today. It was great gtting them done as I needed to feel some sort of pain, except when the artist was doing the one I got behind my ear I fell asleep. I was so relaxed & was in the position I'm in every night when I go to sleep at night & I just fell asleep. It was fantastic getting some new tattoos as lately I have been struggling so much with wanting to cut myself but didn't so it was a great relief to be tattooed.
My adopted Grandad is doing well but he has to have another operation on the 16th June but it should be ok as it's only a hernia repair & he should only be in hospital for 2 days but when they discharge him again he's going to need a higher level of care from me just like when he got discharged after the cancer operation. It's taking alot out of me but I will do it as he is the closest thing to a family member I have ever had & thats what you do for family but I feel I desperatly need a dy to myself where I don't have to worry about anything, just me & some fun. Aching to back to the zoo & just spend the day there with the animals & taking photos. I used to do that all the time but because of recent events I really haven't had the chance to do anything for myself. I dont regret it, I just miss it.
We find out if the cancer has returned in August when we meet with the surgeon again & I'm hoping he gets the all clear but I have to prepare myself as he is almost 86. Saying goodbye to him is going to be the hardest thing I will go through for a long time but I hope it wont happen for a while yet.
I love my cat Kizzy for giving me some of the things I need as she knows how I feel & has been sticking close to me when I'm home as animals just know things. It's nice to feel special & wanted by something.
At the start of this year I decided to breakup with my boyfriend after almost 10 years together as he just wasn't fulfilling my needs & I like to think I deserve (sorta) something better than what he was giving me, which wasn't much. He kept calling & texting me wanting to come over & see me so after a couple of months I agreed so I could explain things to him in person. He came over & we talked & I explained to him AGAIN why I didn't want to be with him anymore. After about an hour of this just before he left he said to me 'So we cant fool around anymore then?' I was like haven't you heard a fucking thing I have just said!!! Anyway he left very disappointed & I felt good, that I had finally made a right decision & put myself first. I didn't know just how right that decision I had made as 2 weeks later I found out that for the past 5 years of our relationship he has been married with 2 kids! What a fucking arsehole, I feel so bad for his wife as she is married to a liar & a fraud who cant keep his cock in his pants.

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