Sunday, May 9, 2010

Mothers Day

Fuck I hate this day, as well as the weeks of ads leading up to it depicting beautiful happy families with mothers who do everything for them & love them. It's so depressing to watch. Sometimes it makes me feel inferior which I know is stupid as they are only actors but it makes me think of the real life people who really are like that & I feel like shit because it makes me think about what is so wrong with me that my own Mother cant stand me but loves my half sister so much.
I tried so hard to be the perfect child staying out of Her way, never bothering her unnecessarily, not complaining about anything particularly about her never being there & doing all the things normal parents do for their children like cooking for them, washing their clothes, school lunches & most importantly LOVE them unconditionally. I have never felt love from her. When I was little I used to ask her all the time if she loved me, her answer was always yes but I knew she didnt mean it as a small child you can just FEEL the truth & I knew she was lying. She never once said to me in my childhood that she loved me although she was quite happy to tell me she hated me & I ruined her life that I heard quite often & that I believed as I could feel that she did really mean it. She was much more convincing when she said that rather than the limp answer I would get if I asked her if she loved me. All my life I've wanted my mother to love me & a small part of me still does but it is my cross to bear to accept that she never will.
I left home 11 months & 4 days after moving to the West Coast that was in 1992 & since then I have seen my mother 3 times except for the case conferences she had to attend when I was under the care of Childrens Services. Last time I saw her was January 2000. I have not seen my 19 y/o half sister since 1993.
God help anyone who may try to patch things up between Mother & I. The last person that tried to do that who had been Mother's friend for quite a while got completely cut out of her life. In Mother's mind if you have nothing to do with me then you can be her friend but if you try to help me or try to get her to meet with me then she perceives it that you are on my side & then she will have no more to do with that person. Same thing happened when I went Back to the East Coast for a visit & met with Mothers friend, as soon as she found out that was it that lady was cut out of her life. That's how petty & paranoid Mother is. Havng first hand experience of mental illness I do believe that Mother suffers from some sort of undiagnosed mental illness. She would never admit it though but to me it explains so much. When I got sent to my first psychiatrist she was furious, I was 14 & we had only been West for 3 months. I think it was mainly because she had to go in & see the shrink too on her own & she resented that as well as having to take me there as she thought it was all bullshit & I was making it all up but believe me you dont cut yourself & try to kill yourself if there is nothing wrong. I hadn't told her about the other abuses I had suffered as my faith in her shattered that day when I told her about the caretaker & she didnt believe me. From that point on I became more insular if that was possible, well when it came to sharing & talking about emotions & things that had happened to me; I'm still that way now.
So to all the good mothers out there have a great day you deserve it, love & cherish your children. For all the Mother's out there like mine I would like to send you all a huge FUCK YOU!!!!

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