Part 9

Shrink day today & what am I doing? Having a few whiskies before I have to go & see her. I cant cancel, I have to go even though I dont want to but thats part of the whole avoidance thing I suppose. I will read to her parts of my blog as I find that can be easier to do rather than discuss how it makes me feel as I dont like to feel things because I dont like losing control of myself & thats how I see it when I crying front of people, which is why I generally save that for when I am in my bed at night when it's dark & I'm alone.
I like being alone as then I cant get hurt by anything or anyone. I recently (well a couple of months now) broke up with my ex. We first dated when I was 17 & then got back together when I was 22. I loved him but I dont think that he loved me. I got pregnant not long after we got back together & I had an abortion as I did not & could not look after a child. That was one of the most horrendous things I have been through as I was so sick afterwards that I bled for almost two months. I finally cut the cord with him & I am glad I did but I dont think he took it too well as he keeps calling me every so often wanting to come & see me and I tell him not to bother. For me that's all in the past now & I have no desire to go back to that. In the words of Greta Garbo 'I want to be alone'.
I know that I drink too much & at times take too many pills but I have to as I hate being sober as that is when all the shit comes back into my head & I would much rather do whatever I can to stop it. I know it's not healthy or what I'm supposed to do but I dont give a fuck as I'd like to see other people experience what I have my whole life & see if they can handle the flashbacks, phobias, nightmares, destructive thoughts & all of the rest of the shit I have to live with & see if they could stay sober. I have given up illicit drugs except for pot occasionally so cigarettes, alcohol & the drugs my psychiatrist prescribes me just to get through most days.
I have this wall that I have built around myself like a fortress & I keep it that way because if you dont let people in you cant get hurt. I find it extraordinally difficult to even open up to my shrink even though I've been seeing her for 6 years now as I think I am weak & I dont like to show weakness because for me that is the worst. I blame myself for all the abuse I have suffered as I think it is my fault. If I had been prettier, smarter, less demanding then maybe Mother would have loved me. It was my fault I let pedophiles abuse me because I should have known better but I didnt.
When I was sexually abused by the pedophile who took over as caretaker of the trailer park I lived in on the East Coast, I thought it was because of me. I felt like I had a neon sign flashing over my head saying 'abuse me coz I deserve it as I am nothing but shit'. I remember the day when I finally felt I'd had enough & wanted to stop it. He had taken me away with Mothers blessing & his grand-daughter was there & thought I'd be safe, how wrong I was. On the last day of the little trip away he took me out without his grand-daughter & told me he loved me more than any other woman he had met, I was 12 then! He was about 55-56 then I cant remember. It was then I made up my mind that was it & couldn't bear it anymore & i was going to tell Mother what had been happening for the past year or so. I remember getting back to the trailer park & Mother was visiting one of her friends. I told her I needed to talk to her & tell her something. Reluctantly she agreed to talk to me, I told her what he had been doing to me & instead of her telling me it was over & everything would be alright I got the total opposite reaction. She called me a liar that I was making it all up & why did I have to lie about everything & make her life so difficult by being stuck with such a lying, ungrateful bitch as I. To this day she still does not believe me about the abuse & that cuts me to the core as it hurts so much.