It's been a long time since I've written on my blog here. I have been going through so much shit lately that I've had the energy to do fuck all except escape into my fantasy world on a game on facebook. Most of the court stuff is over & done now I hope. Had the last Court hearing on the 11th of this month. That was a bit of a fuck-up from beginning to end. But I went before the judge & got the distance extended to 100mtrs now. He breached the VRO 4 times after he moved out & I know he's been served with the amended VRO, so hopefully know he will leave me the fuck alone!
The past month hasnt been the best one with my adopted grandad having another operation, he's fine now but before he went for it at times he was almost unbearable as he takes out all his shit on me. Then when I've had enough & react I feel like the scum of the Earth as he is sick. It gets so frustrating at times but what can you do? He's the closest thing to real family I have ever had in my life & the thought of losing that devastates me. So I put on a happy face & try to get on with things but sometimes the facade falls unexpectedly.
Like the other night in the pharmacy. I went in there to pick up my medications, they have been my drugstore for quite a long time & as I sat down in the chair to wait for my prescriptions I just burst into tears & sobbed uncontrollably. They comforted me & listened & gave me tissues as they know all I'm going through as they are my Grandy's drugstore too. After I had pulled myself together enough to leave being very embarrassed at having lot control of my emotions in public, I sobbed all the way home then cried myself to sleep that night.
I like to keep a tight reign on my emotions & who I will & will not cry in front of. Mainly I prefer to cry when I'm on my own as I dont like to cry in front of others or show emotion as I'm scared of losing control & thats what it feels like to me. I hate even crying in front of my psychiatrist & try to avoid that at all costs. Maybe it's because I don't want to appear vulnerable at all. If there's anything I have learnt so far in this life is that if & when you show vulnerability, you get hurt; either physically, emotionally or sexually as that what predators look for. I've had it happen to me far to often to be able to live through something like that again as I thhink that would be one of my tipping points & by tipping points I mean something that will tip me over the edge when the question I ask of myself frequently is "can I keep go on living? or is this the time to do what I believe I'm predestined to do at some point in my life, suicide?".
Yes it might be a bleak outlook on life & I am aware that other people have overcome worst things than what I have been through but pain is a very personal thing & sometimes you just get so tired of having to be strong all the time & when you feel every day is a battle to get through even with all the pills, alcohol, pot, anything! So you cant think about things, shut u the constant chatter in your head & more importantly can't FEEL ANYTHING except what ever buzz you've managed to get. I probably sank to one of my lowest points when my Grandy got discharged from hospital & I took his oxycodene tablets. They were only 5mgs & only 20 of them. I knew he wasn't going to use them as he wont take pain relief except for Panadol, so I just took them for myself as I needed something else to get high on to block out all the pain & allow me to focus on helping him recover. The oxycodene are all gone now. I took 7 of them on his first day home & drank alot of whiskey on top of them as well as taking extra Xanax which is prescribed to me. I just dont like being sober as thats when all the shit enters my head & I will do whatever I can to avoid that. I'm great at avoidance, been doing it my whole life!
So right now Im having my 2nd whiskey, had some normal codeine as well as 4 Xanax now, am about to have a joint then immerse myself again in my Fantasy Kingdoms world on Facebook.