Part 9

Shrink day today & what am I doing? Having a few whiskies before I have to go & see her. I cant cancel, I have to go even though I dont want to but thats part of the whole avoidance thing I suppose. I will read to her parts of my blog as I find that can be easier to do rather than discuss how it makes me feel as I dont like to feel things because I dont like losing control of myself & thats how I see it when I crying front of people, which is why I generally save that for when I am in my bed at night when it's dark & I'm alone.
I like being alone as then I cant get hurt by anything or anyone. I recently (well a couple of months now) broke up with my ex. We first dated when I was 17 & then got back together when I was 22. I loved him but I dont think that he loved me. I got pregnant not long after we got back together & I had an abortion as I did not & could not look after a child. That was one of the most horrendous things I have been through as I was so sick afterwards that I bled for almost two months. I finally cut the cord with him & I am glad I did but I dont think he took it too well as he keeps calling me every so often wanting to come & see me and I tell him not to bother. For me that's all in the past now & I have no desire to go back to that. In the words of Greta Garbo 'I want to be alone'.
I know that I drink too much & at times take too many pills but I have to as I hate being sober as that is when all the shit comes back into my head & I would much rather do whatever I can to stop it. I know it's not healthy or what I'm supposed to do but I dont give a fuck as I'd like to see other people experience what I have my whole life & see if they can handle the flashbacks, phobias, nightmares, destructive thoughts & all of the rest of the shit I have to live with & see if they could stay sober. I have given up illicit drugs except for pot occasionally so cigarettes, alcohol & the drugs my psychiatrist prescribes me just to get through most days.
I have this wall that I have built around myself like a fortress & I keep it that way because if you dont let people in you cant get hurt. I find it extraordinally difficult to even open up to my shrink even though I've been seeing her for 6 years now as I think I am weak & I dont like to show weakness because for me that is the worst. I blame myself for all the abuse I have suffered as I think it is my fault. If I had been prettier, smarter, less demanding then maybe Mother would have loved me. It was my fault I let pedophiles abuse me because I should have known better but I didnt.
When I was sexually abused by the pedophile who took over as caretaker of the trailer park I lived in on the East Coast, I thought it was because of me. I felt like I had a neon sign flashing over my head saying 'abuse me coz I deserve it as I am nothing but shit'. I remember the day when I finally felt I'd had enough & wanted to stop it. He had taken me away with Mothers blessing & his grand-daughter was there & thought I'd be safe, how wrong I was. On the last day of the little trip away he took me out without his grand-daughter & told me he loved me more than any other woman he had met, I was 12 then! He was about 55-56 then I cant remember. It was then I made up my mind that was it & couldn't bear it anymore & i was going to tell Mother what had been happening for the past year or so. I remember getting back to the trailer park & Mother was visiting one of her friends. I told her I needed to talk to her & tell her something. Reluctantly she agreed to talk to me, I told her what he had been doing to me & instead of her telling me it was over & everything would be alright I got the total opposite reaction. She called me a liar that I was making it all up & why did I have to lie about everything & make her life so difficult by being stuck with such a lying, ungrateful bitch as I. To this day she still does not believe me about the abuse & that cuts me to the core as it hurts so much.

Part 8

I haven't been having a good couple of days as I feel like shit & deppressed but I cant show it around my adopted grandad as I dont want him to know. Things came to a bit of a head yesterday. We both have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, his from the wars & mine from childhood & sometimes we can trigger each other off. It started over something stupid as usual & in his anger he said some terrible things to me & I responded verbally at first then as I always do with my anger I burst into tears. He was horrified after he had calmed down & kept apologising to me all day. I told him not to worry as it was over which it was because I know he doesn't mean the things he sometimes says. Yes it hurts at the time as it is what Mother did to me all my childhood but then I get over it.
As I haven't been feeling the best for a little while all I wanted to do was cut myself. I still feel like it now but I keep fighting it but its hard. After I watched the tv show I love & I'd already taken my medication for the night I layed in bed in the dark clutching my battered Garfield toy that I have had since I was 9y/o fighting the urge to go & cut up. I was crying & then started thinking about the best ways to kill myself. Thinking what bridges in my city are high enough to jump off that would kill me as I wouldn't throw myself in front of a train as I wouldn't want to put that on another person.
I think it's inevitable that one day I will kill myself but I wouldnt do it until my adopted grandad has passed on. I have no family ties or anything, yes I have a few good friends but I dont think Im meant to grow old. Im not going to get married or anything as I dont think I could make that commitment as I'm too afraid of abandonment & I dont want children as I could not handle the responsibility of looking after another human being & I dont want to pass on my fucked up genes, the buck stops here with me.
I know this can sound terribly morbid but when you have had the life I have had you just want it to be over. There is only so much my heart&soul can take & sometimes I feel I've reached the end of my tether & I just cant take anymore. I have to see the shrink this week but wish I didn't have to but I have to as I cancelled my last appt. It's funny coz I dont like crying in front of her, I dont want anybody to see me cry. I have this facade on all the time for the outside world. A few times I've cracked in front of my friends but then I reign it in & say everthing's alright when it isn't but I have to say it as I dont want to put anything on my friends.
But sometimes I just dont want to live this life, I'm over all the hurt & pain & memories & all the fucked up shit that makes me feel the way I do as I wonder how much longer can I take the pain in my heart & soul, it's breaking me. I dont know how much longer I can take this. All the drugs in the world well psychiatric ones anyway & alcohol cant take away the pain. I hate myself so much & as for Mother wishing I'd never been born, I wish for the same thing.

Part 7

When Pa retired he moved to the West Coast, I soon found out that we were going too. I was devestated as after all I had been through for the first time in my life for the previous 3 years I finally had a few friends I was really close to, one person in particular. I adored her & still do, we stay in touch & when I went back to the East Coast in 06 we caught up for the first time since I left. It was wonderful to be back there & see people I had not seen for 14 years then and had missed terribly.
Before we moved to the West Coast things had been pretty bad for me privately. We moved up to the mountains not long after the stepbrother had gone from the house. We had to move to find something cheaper as my stepdad was paying child support as well as paying for his ex wifes house so we moved into a trailer park up in the mountains. It took me a while to get used to living in a trailer again as it bought back memories of the other time I lived in a trailer. Once we had a proper annexe put on & I sorta had my own room I adjusted.
I was halfway through grade 3 then & it was hard going to yet another school as this was my 6th by then & it was hard fitting in because as it was a small town everyone had grown up together & I was seen as an outsider which I have always been I suppose. So I made a great target for the bullies. I was ostracized straight away first the bullying calling me names such as 'red headed rat rooter' I will never forget that nor the main person who used to sling that at me. No one would come near me at reccess at lunchtime or afternoon play so once again I took refuge in teachers, the library & schoolwork which at times made it worse as then I was a teachers pet & nerd but I couldn't help it as I needed to feel safe SOMEWHERE. I never felt at home at home & I used to dread school because of what the other children would do, also living in the trailer park the kids used to call me poor orphan Annie & white trash.
I once fractured my skull in the playground & I remember walking myself to the nurses office on my own with blood pouring out of my nose & not one person would help me. The one upside to this I remember is not only not being able to go to school, Mother was actually sort of nice to m & seemed to show some concern for my health which was a first believe me & I revelled in it. I thought Mother actually had started to love me, how wrong I turned out to be.
I just have to say that even though Mother was named after a saint she delighted in playing the martyr of what a horrible, badly behaved, ungrateful & simply impossible child she had in me. Fuck I can say the same things about her & her parental skills or lack thereof.
We had a live in caretaker in the trailer park & I was friends with them & their children. We didnt go to the same school as they went to a Catholic school but the eldest daughter was my first real friend. Her & I used to rollerskate together, play & go off exploring together, I was so upset when they bought their own block of land & built a house on it. One one hand I was happy for them as they were getting a REAL home but I was going to miss having my first friend around all the time, we still stayed friends after they moved but it wasnt the same & we ended up drifting apart.
As a result of them moving out we got another caretaker & that's when things went even more downhill. Although that wasn't the case when he first took over as he took an interest in me & befriended Mother. He gave her cash in hand cleaning work & sometimes paid me $40 to clean the toilet&shower blocks in the trailer park. That was fucking good money for two hours work for anyone in the mid 80's let alone a kid but I was told not to tell Mother he was giving me that much it was our secret & he didnt want to upset Mother by spoiling me. I did not know it at the time but the pedophilic grooming proccess had just begun.

Part 6

I did something just then that sometimes I feel I have to do for the sake of my own emotional health especially if I'm already feeling a bit fragile & need to block for a little bit. I rang up & cancelled my appointment with my psychiatrist. I do that sometimes as I just know when I would be in there it would be a waste of both of our times as nothing is going to come of it as sometimes I just can't verbalize stuff. I need a day to myself & a break.
For the past 10 months I have been looking after the only person in my life that has been like family for the past 10 years. He is now in his mid 80's & last year just before my 32nd birthday he got diagnosed with lung cancer. He used to be a smoker because of his military & war service in 3 major conflicts including Vietnam, he is an old soldier through & through.
His wife had died from lung cancer before I met him in 2001 as she passed away in '99. We talk about her all he time. When he got diagnosed I was so scared that he was going to die but luckily, Thank Goddess when he had the full body scan to see if the cancer had spread came up clean so the doctors were able to operate & remove the cancer. As a result he had the operation, cancer removed & no chemotherapy or radio therapy which is great have the follow up with the surgeon in August. So since his hospitalisation & release from hospital I have been caring for him. Doing all of the shopping, cooking, bill paying, errands, cleaning as well as looking after him & making sure that he is recovering well, which he is.
As a result I really haven't had a day to myself in 7 months. I don't resent doing it all, I love looking after him as he means the world to me & I would do anything to help & look after him & make him happy as to me he is my Grandfather. I have no relationship of any kind with either my biological mother, half sister & now my blood grandad who I called Pa as according to her , Pa is now in a nursing home suffering from dementia. I dont know what to believe when it comes to what she says to me as she has a lifelong history of lying & making up stories if it will serve her needs.
So I will do anything for my adopted grandad as he REALLY cares for me no strings attached & he thinks of me as his his daughter.
So I've taken an afternoon for myself when I can just be on my own with my cat although she's outside at the moment have a drink, have a choof (yes I still smoke pot but responsibly), smoke cigarettes (again yes I continue to smoke cigarettes despite recent events) watch my favourite shows then have a real early night as I'm dying for a good nights sleep!! I need it. It has been good spending the afternoon to myself.
My shrink knows that I do it & she accepts my lame excuses then makes another appointment for seven days time. They didnt understand that in the public health system & that's why I got booted from them but I have been seeing one in the private sector now for the past 6 years, she is good.

Part 5

I didn't realize that Mother & my stepdad used amphetamines even though my stepfather was quite open about it with me as I used to go away alot with him in his truck. He used to say he was going to have some 'shakers' or he was going to have a clout. I just thought he meant Coca-Cola, that's how naive I was. He gave me my first taste of speed when I was almost 13 y/o. We were on a north-south run & it was about 1am when we pulled into a small town for something to eat& drink. When my stepdad got back in the truck he had this white powder on one of his fingers & licked half of it off & asked if I wanted the other half. I asked him what it was & he replied 'speed' being still basically a kid I asked him if it would kill me, he said no so I took it. Had the best night that night talking to him at a hundred miles a minute & bopping away to all the music I put on the trucks cassette system. Ironically later on when I developed my own drug habit I rarely touched street speed as I thought it cant be that bad if my stepdad gave me some all those years ago so I used pharmaceutical speed instead in the form of Duromine as I knew that speed was clean & I could get it from what I used to call my drug doctor, he was a GP & used to give me anythin I asked for as he liked all the working girls as he could get away with stuff he couldnt with a normal patient.
Yes by the time I had a serious drug habit I turned to prostitution to pay for it as I didnt want to rob people or commit fraud and at least then the only person I was hurting was myself. I'd been hooking on & off since I was 15 & was out of home. I loved being on ecstasy & all the other shit I used to take as at least then I felt happy & confident & could block out all the bad things that had happened & were happening. Drugs saved my life as at that point I had nothing to live for except getting up, getting high & feeling happy. I can say in all honesty that if I had not been taking drugs in that period of my life I would not be here as they were the only things stopping me from killing myself. I know thats not a popular statement but its true. For me then it was like 'do I get up today & take some ecstasy, lsd, speed,pot or do I kill myself?' Invariably the drugs won everytime! Thank Goddess or I would not be here now. Not many people can say in all honesty that drugs saved their lives but in my case it is absolutely true. Anything I could snort, swallow, inhale I did it. Only ever injected drugs 11 times in my life as I didn't like it & the times I did it was because it was already mixed up & I wanted the drugs. We never shared needles my friends had to do it for me as I couldnt inject myself & the needles were always brand new.
Fuck I have alot of good memories from those drug fucked days! We used to run amok!

Part 4

We moved around alot as a small child. By the time we settled up in the mountains I was starting at my 6th primary school, so as a result I never really made any friends. I was bullied mercilessly mainly because of my bright red hair which Mother always had cut so I looked like a boy. I hated going to school as I dreaded reccess & lunchtime so when I got out of class at those times I used to go into the library & read loads of books until it was time to go back to class. I loved all my teachers in the early days and I used to try my best as I craved the praise from the teachers telling me I was very smart & exceeded expectations. It was about the only time I received that sort of validation & praise. Of course being good at lessons made me more of a target for the bullies but even by that young age I was used to being picked on & being told I was nothing.
I have always gotten along with adults even as a small child. I remember in one place we lived in there was a nice lady I was friends with across the road from us & I was so desperate for praise from adults I used to go over to her house and vacuum it from top to bottom just so I could hear her tell me what a good job I had done & what a nice polite well mannered child I was, something I had never heard at home from Mothers lips. To this day I still love to vacuum.
It was in this house we lived in when the stepbrother came to live with us. I was 7 he was 16 then. He got sent to live with us as he had been getting into alot of trouble with the police & the courts & his mother couldnt handle him anymore as she was mentally ill. At first I was happy that the stepbrother was there as I used to think he was a really cool person, you are very impressionable as a child. I used to do anything to hang out with him, go out riding our bikes all day as my stepdad had gotten me a second hand bike that I loved & had for years, catching tadpoles & taking them home & raising them until they were miniture frogs then go back to the ponds in the park & release them.
As he was in high school he had some older friends & that was when things changed for me on one particular day. I was playing by myself in the backyard when the stepbrother came and told me he had something to show me at his friends house up the road. I was happy as I thought it might be a lizard or something as we used to catch them & keep them in tanks & feed them & look after them like pets but it turned out to be something completely different him & his friends had in mind. He took me into the house & said what he had to show me was in a room at the back of the house so I followed him. We got to the room & he knocked on the door when he door opened he pushed me inside shut the door & locked it. Inside were about 9 of his friends & they all had their pants down & were masturbating with one of them lying on the bed. Immediatly I started screaming, crying & trying to get out of the room but as the door was locked all I could do was pull on it & begging to be let out while all the boys said disgusting things & that they were going to have sex with me after they finished wanking & I'd licked up all the cum. I was so terrified & eventually the stepbrother unlocked the door & I ran out of the house crying.
Later when stepbrother came back to the house he apologised profusely saying they hadn't meant it that it was all a joke that he thought I would find funny & nothing like that would ever happen again. Stupidly after a while I believed it & sort of started to trust him again as I was so desperate for a friend & after all he had promised & we had to live in the same house. It didnt last to long though. Early one weekend morning when my stepdad was still on the road & Mother was still at work he called me into his room under the premise of looking at his lizards. He asked me to lie down on his bed next to him as he wanted to give me a hug as he said he now thought of me as his sister as he had been living with us for almost a year then & it had been a few months since the 'joke' incident had occurred so I did. Next thing I know he's on top of me putting his hands down my pajama pants trying to stick his finger in my vagina whilst at the same time trying to force my hands onto his erect penis as he had me pinned just by his weight alone as I was almost 8 then & he was almost 17. Again I started crying & screaming begging him to stop & leave me alone which after what seemed an eternity to me it stopped & I fled, got dressed as quickly as I could got on my bicycle & went riding through the huge park at the end of the road & stayed there all day until dusk when I knew I had to go home.
That park became my escape it was huge it had a bike trail that went from one end to the other that was 12 kilometres long. It had lots of ponds & marshy areas & I had a few favourite hidey spots I would sit in & just think & be by myself with nature it was the only timeI felt safe. Sometimes I would even take a book out there & something to drink & just find one of my hidey holes & stay there until dusk & I had to go home. I loved it there listening to the birds, smelling the flowers, feeling the breeze on my face, being alone & feeling safe.
I suppose the one good thing about Mother not caring about me at all is that I could do whatever I wanted & go where I wanted for however as long as I wanted as she either didn't care or was at work at the nursing homes where then she still mainly worked the night shift as I think she liked it as it was easier than days & plus the speed habit. But when she was at home & coming down from the speed I was always her target. Again saying she should send me away to the little girls home as she didnt want me as I was just a pain in her arse. Needless to say I said nothing to her about what the stepbrother had done & I certainly did not tell my stepdad as he was the only adult in my 'family' that seemed to love me & I didn't want to risk losing his love. It was the only love I had. I kept away from the stepbrother like the plague & rigged up a way so no one could get into my room. That went onfor a while & eventually he went back to his mother as he was still getting into trouble. Goddess I was so happy when I found out the stepbrother had gone. I felt a bit safer then.

Part 3

It's so hard to deal with that shit as a kid but it can get even worse when my stepdad who was a truckie was away 12 out of 14 days and mother who was on speed worked night shift ironically as an enrolled Nurse in aged care facilities. When that was going on I was in about Grade 1 so I had to learn to cook what food might be in the house & see if there was anything if I could take to school the next day for lunch. I always used to love it when my stepdad got home from his trucking runs as she always organised her roster at work so when he came back she had time off & was home. I really think that mother loves my stepdad even though she has and continues to make him compliciant in her lies & deceptions. He has 3 kids & an ex wife so back then most of the money he earnt went to supporting them. I loved my stepsisters, idolising them even if some of the time they resented me as I had their dad living with me & my mother even though I didn't want her, my stepbrother, well thats a whole other story.
Anyway when he came back from the roads she went all out cooking a really good meal & bec my stepdad I like to think loved me in his own way I always got to eat with them. I used to devour my food so quickly as I couldn't believe what I was given to eat. Steak, mashed potatoes, garlic mushrooms all the sorts of food I dreamed about eating. I used to count the days until he got back thinking of what she would cook for him & I got to eat it too. It was about the only time I had anything decent to eat in a fortnight bec. as a 7 y/o your cooking skills are rather limited if there was anything there at all. Sometimes when I was a bit older I would take a little bit of money from her purse when she was asleep & that night go down to the chip shop for dinner 50 cents worth of hot chips. Gosh I loved & still do the smell of freshly cooked french fries

As a small child it is hard to understand & even harder to accept that you are not loved by your mother. My biological father has never been in the picture, to this day I dont even know his name & he is not on my birth certificate. Everytime when I was little & I asked her about who my real father is, she used to get really angry at me & swear at me saying "It's none of your fucking business". Every time I asked her that question I got the same aggressive response. After a while I learnt not to ask anymore just to try & keep the peace. I was always afraid of upsetting her or giving her another reason to yell & scream at me telling me how much she didn't want me & she should just send me away to the little girls home. When I was small we lived in a trailer park in a country town, our trailer was so small my bedroom in my one bedroom flat now is bigger than the trailer we lived in when I was a toddler. We were dirt poor while I was a toddler as she was too busy either taking speed or being with her many boyfriends & collecting welfare checks which certainly did not go towards looking after me. It went on speed, cigarettes & whatever her boyfriend wanted. At one stage I was eating out of the trailer park garbage bins out of desperation. To this day I remember the joy I used to feel when I would find a discarded McDonalds bag as I could always be sure there would be some leftover fries down the bottom of the paper bag.
I suffer from several psychiatric illnesses as a result of the abuse I suffered not only in childhood but adolecense & aduldhood as well. I have to take 5 different medicatons every day to keep me semi stable & out of psychiatric hospitals as I would rather kill myself than be put back in hospital. I have not been in hospital for almost 10 years now & I aim to keep it that way. It hasn't been easy staying out of hospital but I WILL NOT go back into them. So I take my anti-deppressants, anti-psychotics, anti-anxiety & sleeping pills every day like a good little girl.
Sometimes I hate taking my meds aas they have made me put on weight & as an ex-anorexia sufferer this has been one of the hardest things to accept is being fat because of the medication, if you ever truely recover from anorexia as you still have the same mindset & thoughts. I went off my meds once so I could lose weight and lose the weight I did, but it came at a price as I started losing the plot again. It took my psychiatrists a long time to convince me to resume taking them again. Eventually the threat to put me in hospital involuntariy & medicate me forcefully, I reluctantly agreed to go back on them.
I have nothing to do with mother as she refuses to acknowledge things that have happened in the past & has created this whole fantasy of hers interwoven with so many lies it would take years to unravel. I have a 19 y/o half sister whom I have not seen since she was 1 and a half years old as that is when I had to leave home.
I think that is my one true regret I have about leaving home is my sister. I absolutely adored her & so did she & she was everthing I wasn't as a baby. Beautiful,quiet, slept through the night & most important wanted & loved. I didn't resent my sister when she was born as all my childhood the thing I had wanted the most was a baby sister & my prayers were answered when she was born just after I turned 13. I fell in love with her from the first moment I saw her all bundled up in a pink blanket next to her all pink & wrinkled but sooo gorgeous. I got to choose one of her middle names after pestering her for months about it. Letting me do that & letting me leave home are probably the only 2 nice things she ever did for me. Not that she had much of a choice in the me leaving home bit!
From the moment my lil sis came home I doted on her. I used to rush home from school or wagging school as I did most days so I could feed her, play with her, spend time with her, bath her even change her nappies! I even used to get up a couple of times during the night to check on her as I was so scared of S.I.D.S I couldn't sleep well unless I checked on her to make sure she was still breathing & she was safe. I did that until she was 16 months old. That was when we still lived on the East Coast.
I was born & bred on the East Coast & I loved it. I used to spend all my time on my own just exploring, thinking & trying to stay out of her way which after my stepfather rescued us from the abusive boyfriend when I was about 4 and a half. I still remember standing on the side of the road at approx 4am waiting for my stepdad to pick us up in his semi truck & take us away from this horrible abusive arsehole she once loved and let him beat the shit out of me, burn me with his cigarettes & probably some things I have forgotten now as I was so young.
I thought of my stepdad as a hero as he had taken me away from the arsehole & I started being properly fed most of the time & clothed.
As a toddler being neglected I had only scrummy second hand dresses & no panties. For a while after my stepdad had rescued me I still had second hand clothing but I had new panties to wear. The only thing I can think of of where I felt humiliated & hurt by my stepdad was when he used to tease me and call me "no panties girl" as a reference to when I had no underwear & he bought me my first pairs of panties. And when he used to join in with her and threaten to send me away to the dreaded girls home. After a while I began to wish she would send me there! Just to get away from her and feeling so unwanted & unloved as I couldn't understand that if she hated me so much as she made clear, why did she keep me? Why didn't she put me up for adoption?

Early years

From the time I have my earliest memory I knew my mother didn't love me. It was hard to understand as a 3& half year old, but as a kid you just know it; you feel it in the total disinterest in you. Not feeding you not clothing you properly, not caring if I wandered around on my own looking for something to do, anything to keep me away from her & the boyfriend who used to delight in tormenting me. I remember once being bashed & thrown against the caravan walls because I refused to call him Daddy. I knew he wasn't my father even at that young age. One of his favourite party games was putting out his cigarettes on my arms, yeah what a real charmer! Mother was never any help as she was either of her face on drugs & she just didnt care, she loved him & I was just in her way. She wished I'd never been born she used to tell me, I ruined her life, she should send me away to the little girls home where all the bad& horrible girls like me belonged.