Saw my psychiatrist the other day, see her next week too. I'm sick to death of what the dirty old man on whom I have a Violence Restraning Order against. He is such a fucking pervert & losing his marbles. I have to go back to Court on the 11th June to get the protection order varied so he cant come anywhere near me without being arrested. He used to be my next door neighbour but he doesn't live there anymore after being evicted because of this. He has so far breached the order twice & been arrested & charged, he now has a criminal record. The last breach was on the 19th ofMay when he doesnt even live next door anymore. He caught a taxi from his house to mine which is a distance of about 30kms away to bash on my door & try to get into my unit at 11:30 at night. Fucking arsehole woke me up. Well the police took him away again & arrested him but now that I want the order varied he has to be in court at the same time! I have it orgainized so its being done by video link. I & my witness will be in District Court while he will be acroos the road in Magistrates Court. I just want him to leave me the fuck alone. The lawyer I spoke to said he cannot see why the Magistrate wouldn't set a distance between 100-200 mtrs which is much better than the current 10mtrs! Lawyer thinks I have an extremely strong case. Here's hoping as Im sick of having to deal with all this shit & I just want it to be over.
So I'm just going to try & have a quiet day today if possible. Grandys gone for a walk to do some shopping which is great for his rehabilitation as well as preperation for his next operaton.
Friday, May 28, 2010
Not a good few weeks
I haven't written here for a while as I have had a fucked couple of weeks where I have been feeling like shit & so burnt out as well as worn out. The only highlight has been when I got some more tattoos done 3 weeks ago today. It was great gtting them done as I needed to feel some sort of pain, except when the artist was doing the one I got behind my ear I fell asleep. I was so relaxed & was in the position I'm in every night when I go to sleep at night & I just fell asleep. It was fantastic getting some new tattoos as lately I have been struggling so much with wanting to cut myself but didn't so it was a great relief to be tattooed.
My adopted Grandad is doing well but he has to have another operation on the 16th June but it should be ok as it's only a hernia repair & he should only be in hospital for 2 days but when they discharge him again he's going to need a higher level of care from me just like when he got discharged after the cancer operation. It's taking alot out of me but I will do it as he is the closest thing to a family member I have ever had & thats what you do for family but I feel I desperatly need a dy to myself where I don't have to worry about anything, just me & some fun. Aching to back to the zoo & just spend the day there with the animals & taking photos. I used to do that all the time but because of recent events I really haven't had the chance to do anything for myself. I dont regret it, I just miss it.
We find out if the cancer has returned in August when we meet with the surgeon again & I'm hoping he gets the all clear but I have to prepare myself as he is almost 86. Saying goodbye to him is going to be the hardest thing I will go through for a long time but I hope it wont happen for a while yet.
I love my cat Kizzy for giving me some of the things I need as she knows how I feel & has been sticking close to me when I'm home as animals just know things. It's nice to feel special & wanted by something.
At the start of this year I decided to breakup with my boyfriend after almost 10 years together as he just wasn't fulfilling my needs & I like to think I deserve (sorta) something better than what he was giving me, which wasn't much. He kept calling & texting me wanting to come over & see me so after a couple of months I agreed so I could explain things to him in person. He came over & we talked & I explained to him AGAIN why I didn't want to be with him anymore. After about an hour of this just before he left he said to me 'So we cant fool around anymore then?' I was like haven't you heard a fucking thing I have just said!!! Anyway he left very disappointed & I felt good, that I had finally made a right decision & put myself first. I didn't know just how right that decision I had made as 2 weeks later I found out that for the past 5 years of our relationship he has been married with 2 kids! What a fucking arsehole, I feel so bad for his wife as she is married to a liar & a fraud who cant keep his cock in his pants.
My adopted Grandad is doing well but he has to have another operation on the 16th June but it should be ok as it's only a hernia repair & he should only be in hospital for 2 days but when they discharge him again he's going to need a higher level of care from me just like when he got discharged after the cancer operation. It's taking alot out of me but I will do it as he is the closest thing to a family member I have ever had & thats what you do for family but I feel I desperatly need a dy to myself where I don't have to worry about anything, just me & some fun. Aching to back to the zoo & just spend the day there with the animals & taking photos. I used to do that all the time but because of recent events I really haven't had the chance to do anything for myself. I dont regret it, I just miss it.
We find out if the cancer has returned in August when we meet with the surgeon again & I'm hoping he gets the all clear but I have to prepare myself as he is almost 86. Saying goodbye to him is going to be the hardest thing I will go through for a long time but I hope it wont happen for a while yet.
I love my cat Kizzy for giving me some of the things I need as she knows how I feel & has been sticking close to me when I'm home as animals just know things. It's nice to feel special & wanted by something.
At the start of this year I decided to breakup with my boyfriend after almost 10 years together as he just wasn't fulfilling my needs & I like to think I deserve (sorta) something better than what he was giving me, which wasn't much. He kept calling & texting me wanting to come over & see me so after a couple of months I agreed so I could explain things to him in person. He came over & we talked & I explained to him AGAIN why I didn't want to be with him anymore. After about an hour of this just before he left he said to me 'So we cant fool around anymore then?' I was like haven't you heard a fucking thing I have just said!!! Anyway he left very disappointed & I felt good, that I had finally made a right decision & put myself first. I didn't know just how right that decision I had made as 2 weeks later I found out that for the past 5 years of our relationship he has been married with 2 kids! What a fucking arsehole, I feel so bad for his wife as she is married to a liar & a fraud who cant keep his cock in his pants.
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Mothers Day
Fuck I hate this day, as well as the weeks of ads leading up to it depicting beautiful happy families with mothers who do everything for them & love them. It's so depressing to watch. Sometimes it makes me feel inferior which I know is stupid as they are only actors but it makes me think of the real life people who really are like that & I feel like shit because it makes me think about what is so wrong with me that my own Mother cant stand me but loves my half sister so much.
I tried so hard to be the perfect child staying out of Her way, never bothering her unnecessarily, not complaining about anything particularly about her never being there & doing all the things normal parents do for their children like cooking for them, washing their clothes, school lunches & most importantly LOVE them unconditionally. I have never felt love from her. When I was little I used to ask her all the time if she loved me, her answer was always yes but I knew she didnt mean it as a small child you can just FEEL the truth & I knew she was lying. She never once said to me in my childhood that she loved me although she was quite happy to tell me she hated me & I ruined her life that I heard quite often & that I believed as I could feel that she did really mean it. She was much more convincing when she said that rather than the limp answer I would get if I asked her if she loved me. All my life I've wanted my mother to love me & a small part of me still does but it is my cross to bear to accept that she never will.
I left home 11 months & 4 days after moving to the West Coast that was in 1992 & since then I have seen my mother 3 times except for the case conferences she had to attend when I was under the care of Childrens Services. Last time I saw her was January 2000. I have not seen my 19 y/o half sister since 1993.
God help anyone who may try to patch things up between Mother & I. The last person that tried to do that who had been Mother's friend for quite a while got completely cut out of her life. In Mother's mind if you have nothing to do with me then you can be her friend but if you try to help me or try to get her to meet with me then she perceives it that you are on my side & then she will have no more to do with that person. Same thing happened when I went Back to the East Coast for a visit & met with Mothers friend, as soon as she found out that was it that lady was cut out of her life. That's how petty & paranoid Mother is. Havng first hand experience of mental illness I do believe that Mother suffers from some sort of undiagnosed mental illness. She would never admit it though but to me it explains so much. When I got sent to my first psychiatrist she was furious, I was 14 & we had only been West for 3 months. I think it was mainly because she had to go in & see the shrink too on her own & she resented that as well as having to take me there as she thought it was all bullshit & I was making it all up but believe me you dont cut yourself & try to kill yourself if there is nothing wrong. I hadn't told her about the other abuses I had suffered as my faith in her shattered that day when I told her about the caretaker & she didnt believe me. From that point on I became more insular if that was possible, well when it came to sharing & talking about emotions & things that had happened to me; I'm still that way now.
So to all the good mothers out there have a great day you deserve it, love & cherish your children. For all the Mother's out there like mine I would like to send you all a huge FUCK YOU!!!!
I tried so hard to be the perfect child staying out of Her way, never bothering her unnecessarily, not complaining about anything particularly about her never being there & doing all the things normal parents do for their children like cooking for them, washing their clothes, school lunches & most importantly LOVE them unconditionally. I have never felt love from her. When I was little I used to ask her all the time if she loved me, her answer was always yes but I knew she didnt mean it as a small child you can just FEEL the truth & I knew she was lying. She never once said to me in my childhood that she loved me although she was quite happy to tell me she hated me & I ruined her life that I heard quite often & that I believed as I could feel that she did really mean it. She was much more convincing when she said that rather than the limp answer I would get if I asked her if she loved me. All my life I've wanted my mother to love me & a small part of me still does but it is my cross to bear to accept that she never will.
I left home 11 months & 4 days after moving to the West Coast that was in 1992 & since then I have seen my mother 3 times except for the case conferences she had to attend when I was under the care of Childrens Services. Last time I saw her was January 2000. I have not seen my 19 y/o half sister since 1993.
God help anyone who may try to patch things up between Mother & I. The last person that tried to do that who had been Mother's friend for quite a while got completely cut out of her life. In Mother's mind if you have nothing to do with me then you can be her friend but if you try to help me or try to get her to meet with me then she perceives it that you are on my side & then she will have no more to do with that person. Same thing happened when I went Back to the East Coast for a visit & met with Mothers friend, as soon as she found out that was it that lady was cut out of her life. That's how petty & paranoid Mother is. Havng first hand experience of mental illness I do believe that Mother suffers from some sort of undiagnosed mental illness. She would never admit it though but to me it explains so much. When I got sent to my first psychiatrist she was furious, I was 14 & we had only been West for 3 months. I think it was mainly because she had to go in & see the shrink too on her own & she resented that as well as having to take me there as she thought it was all bullshit & I was making it all up but believe me you dont cut yourself & try to kill yourself if there is nothing wrong. I hadn't told her about the other abuses I had suffered as my faith in her shattered that day when I told her about the caretaker & she didnt believe me. From that point on I became more insular if that was possible, well when it came to sharing & talking about emotions & things that had happened to me; I'm still that way now.
So to all the good mothers out there have a great day you deserve it, love & cherish your children. For all the Mother's out there like mine I would like to send you all a huge FUCK YOU!!!!
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Part 11
I got shipped of to the West Coast 3 weeks earlier than was planned because I got absolutely drunk for the first time & had passed out on the road in the trailer park. Mother was so humiliated as she had to get a man in the trailer park to pick me up & carry me into the female shower block so Mother could shower me as I had been vomiting profusely & after she had done that & dressed me, he had to carry me back to our trailer & put me in bed. Mother called the police on me & wanted them to charge me with underage drinking! I was 14 then. The police were very cool as we lived in a very small town in the mountains & they just lectured me & went.
Mother was furious at me as the way she saw it I had embarrased her in front of everyone not once did she ask me who had given me the alcohol. I had drunk about 2 thirds of a bottle of Johnny Walker Red Label whiskey given to me by another man who lived in the trailer park I called 'Old John'.
He was another man who had slightly twisted ideas about what was appropriate behviour with a child. As I had lived in this trailer park since I was 8 y/o I idolised this older girl who lived in the park with her parents who I adored. She was almost finishing high school when we moved up to the mountains & I used to follow her around like a puppy & she was friends with Old John so I became friends with Old John. I remember not long before she finished high school she gave me her Garfield toy her father had given her when she was younger, I was so happy that she had given it to me & I cherished it then as I still do today. Garfield goes wherever I go & I cant go to sleep without him, he's a very well travelled cat now! He became even more special to me when she went away & joined the navy. I was happy for her but I missed her terriblely & then her father passed away from cancer. I was devestated as it was the first person I had cared about who had died. I bawled my eyes out at his funeral as I felt so bad for my friend at losing her father & also because I knew I wouldn't ever see him again that death is final. I think I was about 10 when he passed away. I often wonder about my friend & how she is now, with all my heart I hope she is happy & she doesn't know what an impact her friendship had on me when I was little.
I had started smoking cigarettes when I was 11 & a half. I didn't want to at the start but as I had made my first real friends that were my age I succumbed to peer pressure & stole some menthol smokes from my Mother. We snuck away & hid behind the toilet block & tried smoking them. I coughed my arse off & so did she but we persisted & I aquired a new habit. I gave mother's menthols a wide berth then I discovered that Old John would buy me cigarettes & dole them out to me as well as the caretaker of the trailer park. I was in heaven as I was finally a 'cool kid'. Not only that I had all these adults whowould give me smokes for nothing & not tell Mother. But there is a price to pay for everything & payment for Old John was about to be called in unbeknownst to me.
I was in his annexe with him one day it was a canvas annexe. I was smoking & I had an obsession with fire then & I was burning bits of paper in a glass ashtray mesmerised by the flames & apparentley I had heated the glass up to much & it exploded! So I went into his trailer to get something to clean it up, after I had picked up all the glass bits we sat down & had a bit of a laugh at it. Then he abruptly changed the subject & asked me if I had ever seen a mans erect penis. I froze at that point remembering what had happened with the stepbrother. I felt like I couldn't move & all of a sudden he had his shorts off & started masturbating in front of me. I can't remember what I said to get out of there but I fled up to one of my hidey spots in the mountain walking trails behind the trailer park & sat next to the creek for ages wondering what I had done for this to be happening to me again.
I stayed away from him for a few days then slowly became his friend again as I wanted the cigarettes as I was hooked on them by then & Old John never exposed himself in front of me again although he did talk alot about sex generally & I listened trying to be grown up. I also wanted to try & stay friends with him as he always got letters from my friend who gave me the Garfield toy & had since joined the Navy. It wasnt long after that when the caretaker started molesting me.
The things that hurt me most about the caretaker is not only the abuse he inflicted on me but also Mothers refusal to believe me, that I was telling the truth. That cut me to the bone & it still does today as she still chooses to believe to this day that it never happened that I made it all up that I am nothing but a lying troublemaker out to make her life a misery. I went back to the East Coast for the first time in 2006 & as part of my stay I went back up into the mountains & stayed for just over a week as not only did I want to see the trailer park where all this fucked up shit had happened I also wanted to see Mother's friend who was related to the caretaker & tell her what had happened all those years ago.
We had arranged to meet in this cafe close to where I was staying while I was up in the mountains also my friends Mum would be there. I was so nervous, I had butterflies in my stomach like you wouldn't believe. I hadn't seen these people for about 14 years then. We were all sitting down to lunch when I couldn't take it anymore & I blurted out to Mothers friend what the caretaker had done to me all those years ago. I expected her to react like Mother & tell me that I was lying, making it up, it was all in my head but to my utter shock & disbelief she tole me she BELIEVED me! At that moment a huge weight felt like it had been lifted off me, I couldn't believe that I had finally been believed! I felt validation for the first time when it came to that. Later on when it was just her & I she told me that years ago she had told Mother to watch him around me as he had already been accused by one of his daughters of the same things he had done to me & had a bit of a whispered reputation that maybe he liked to fiddle with children. I was so furious at Mother at that point because not only had she been warned about his tendancies but then when I finally had the courage to tell her he had been molesting me she denied it & called me a liar & still refuses to accept the truth. That nearly killed me. I haven't seen Mother since a brief meeting in January 2000 when me being me confronted her about the caretaker again thats when I found out he was dead & I told her I was glad he was dead coz at least then he couldn't hurt another child again. She didn't take that comment well & stormed out calling me a liar & a bitch as well as several other choice names. That was the last time I saw Mother & I doubt that I will ever see her again. It hurts sometimes but then I have to say to myself do I want such a toxic person in my life who has never shown me love? Abused me? Let others abuse me? Thinks I am a liar & bitch? That she wished she never had me? No! I dont want that type of person in my life but unfortunatly there will always be a part of me that craves her approval & love but for me that is a pipe dream & totally unrealistic. But what part of a child does not want their Mother's love? I just have to accept that that will never happen in my case no matter what.
Mother was furious at me as the way she saw it I had embarrased her in front of everyone not once did she ask me who had given me the alcohol. I had drunk about 2 thirds of a bottle of Johnny Walker Red Label whiskey given to me by another man who lived in the trailer park I called 'Old John'.
He was another man who had slightly twisted ideas about what was appropriate behviour with a child. As I had lived in this trailer park since I was 8 y/o I idolised this older girl who lived in the park with her parents who I adored. She was almost finishing high school when we moved up to the mountains & I used to follow her around like a puppy & she was friends with Old John so I became friends with Old John. I remember not long before she finished high school she gave me her Garfield toy her father had given her when she was younger, I was so happy that she had given it to me & I cherished it then as I still do today. Garfield goes wherever I go & I cant go to sleep without him, he's a very well travelled cat now! He became even more special to me when she went away & joined the navy. I was happy for her but I missed her terriblely & then her father passed away from cancer. I was devestated as it was the first person I had cared about who had died. I bawled my eyes out at his funeral as I felt so bad for my friend at losing her father & also because I knew I wouldn't ever see him again that death is final. I think I was about 10 when he passed away. I often wonder about my friend & how she is now, with all my heart I hope she is happy & she doesn't know what an impact her friendship had on me when I was little.
I had started smoking cigarettes when I was 11 & a half. I didn't want to at the start but as I had made my first real friends that were my age I succumbed to peer pressure & stole some menthol smokes from my Mother. We snuck away & hid behind the toilet block & tried smoking them. I coughed my arse off & so did she but we persisted & I aquired a new habit. I gave mother's menthols a wide berth then I discovered that Old John would buy me cigarettes & dole them out to me as well as the caretaker of the trailer park. I was in heaven as I was finally a 'cool kid'. Not only that I had all these adults whowould give me smokes for nothing & not tell Mother. But there is a price to pay for everything & payment for Old John was about to be called in unbeknownst to me.
I was in his annexe with him one day it was a canvas annexe. I was smoking & I had an obsession with fire then & I was burning bits of paper in a glass ashtray mesmerised by the flames & apparentley I had heated the glass up to much & it exploded! So I went into his trailer to get something to clean it up, after I had picked up all the glass bits we sat down & had a bit of a laugh at it. Then he abruptly changed the subject & asked me if I had ever seen a mans erect penis. I froze at that point remembering what had happened with the stepbrother. I felt like I couldn't move & all of a sudden he had his shorts off & started masturbating in front of me. I can't remember what I said to get out of there but I fled up to one of my hidey spots in the mountain walking trails behind the trailer park & sat next to the creek for ages wondering what I had done for this to be happening to me again.
I stayed away from him for a few days then slowly became his friend again as I wanted the cigarettes as I was hooked on them by then & Old John never exposed himself in front of me again although he did talk alot about sex generally & I listened trying to be grown up. I also wanted to try & stay friends with him as he always got letters from my friend who gave me the Garfield toy & had since joined the Navy. It wasnt long after that when the caretaker started molesting me.
The things that hurt me most about the caretaker is not only the abuse he inflicted on me but also Mothers refusal to believe me, that I was telling the truth. That cut me to the bone & it still does today as she still chooses to believe to this day that it never happened that I made it all up that I am nothing but a lying troublemaker out to make her life a misery. I went back to the East Coast for the first time in 2006 & as part of my stay I went back up into the mountains & stayed for just over a week as not only did I want to see the trailer park where all this fucked up shit had happened I also wanted to see Mother's friend who was related to the caretaker & tell her what had happened all those years ago.
We had arranged to meet in this cafe close to where I was staying while I was up in the mountains also my friends Mum would be there. I was so nervous, I had butterflies in my stomach like you wouldn't believe. I hadn't seen these people for about 14 years then. We were all sitting down to lunch when I couldn't take it anymore & I blurted out to Mothers friend what the caretaker had done to me all those years ago. I expected her to react like Mother & tell me that I was lying, making it up, it was all in my head but to my utter shock & disbelief she tole me she BELIEVED me! At that moment a huge weight felt like it had been lifted off me, I couldn't believe that I had finally been believed! I felt validation for the first time when it came to that. Later on when it was just her & I she told me that years ago she had told Mother to watch him around me as he had already been accused by one of his daughters of the same things he had done to me & had a bit of a whispered reputation that maybe he liked to fiddle with children. I was so furious at Mother at that point because not only had she been warned about his tendancies but then when I finally had the courage to tell her he had been molesting me she denied it & called me a liar & still refuses to accept the truth. That nearly killed me. I haven't seen Mother since a brief meeting in January 2000 when me being me confronted her about the caretaker again thats when I found out he was dead & I told her I was glad he was dead coz at least then he couldn't hurt another child again. She didn't take that comment well & stormed out calling me a liar & a bitch as well as several other choice names. That was the last time I saw Mother & I doubt that I will ever see her again. It hurts sometimes but then I have to say to myself do I want such a toxic person in my life who has never shown me love? Abused me? Let others abuse me? Thinks I am a liar & bitch? That she wished she never had me? No! I dont want that type of person in my life but unfortunatly there will always be a part of me that craves her approval & love but for me that is a pipe dream & totally unrealistic. But what part of a child does not want their Mother's love? I just have to accept that that will never happen in my case no matter what.
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Part 10
At first things started out differently with the caretaker as I spoke of before. He started grooming me & Mother, I didn't realize what was going on as I had always gotten along better with adults than children; I thought I was making a new friend as I never had many friends. I couldn't see the nefarious intentions he had in mind.
The grooming process takes time & they work on both yourself & the parent though you dont realize until its too late, well the child anyway. He paid me attention that I sorely lacked at home, gave me jobs & paid me well for them, then he started buying presents for me which Mother knew of. As a child who had never felt love or affection from Mother this was all new to me & made me feel special at the time. If only Id've realized what he had in store for me I never would've been friends wih him, but as a child you are very naive & when you had already had the type of childhood I had it makes you even more vulnerable to pedophiles like him. He's dead now & I cant lie I was happy when I found that out because I thought at least he cant hurt anyone else anymore.
Being told I was special was like a drug for me the more he told me the more I craved the praise. I remember the first time he exposed himself to me. We were up at his daughters & grandkids farm but they had gone away & we were out picking blackberries I think. I was sitting down when he walked over to me & had on these really short shorts so when he leaned towards me his penis was exposed. I thought it was an accident & didnt really worry about it too much even though I had already had things happen with the stepbrother. I just wanted to believe so much that someone thought I was worth something! No one can really understand that need for praise love & validation unless they've experienced something similar, you can empathise but not truely understand.
Soon things started to escalate with his behaviour. He started putting hard core porn movies on his tv in the annexe & disappear into his trailer. I was confused as to why he was doing this so I just waited for him to come out & turn it off so I could go & do some work for him. He told me not to tell anyone & I didnt because at that stage I wasn't sure what was going on & I was desperate for any type of friendship & praise. I thought he was just being silly & it was all a game, little did I know.
The first time he molested me I was in his annexe & he was in the trailer. He called out to me to say he had something to show me. When I entered the trailer he was naked on the bed & told me to lie next to him as he had something special to do. I froze & I just did what he told me to do. I layed down on the bed on my stomach with my clothes on when he sat on my legs so I couldn't move much while he stuck his hand under my tracksuit pants & tried to digitally penertrate my vagina. I think then it hadnt been long since my 11th birthday. I couldn't understand why he was doing this to me as I thought he was my friend. After it was over he apologised & said it was just meant to be a game & not to tell Mother so as to not upset her, in shock I agreed.
From there on in it began happening more & more frequently. I always tried to tell myself it didnt happen or it was a dream as I still so desperately wanted to believe that I had a friend & I convinced myself that each time that it happened that it wouldn't happen again & that it was my fault & if I changed something I was doing something I was saying would stop it from happening but it didn't. He was telling me it was all an adult game & didn't I want to be grown up? That no one would believe me if I told someone anyway & with me really having no friends I believed him.
It went on for almost a year before that fateful trip when I decided I couldn't keep letting it happen as it wasn't going to stop unless I stopped it. That was when I took a gamble on telling Mother & that backfired spectaculary. But at least in my mind as I thought about it I had told even though having not been believed to me it didn't matter as I had gotten it off my chest & I never went near him alone again & tried to avoid him like the plague.
The grooming process takes time & they work on both yourself & the parent though you dont realize until its too late, well the child anyway. He paid me attention that I sorely lacked at home, gave me jobs & paid me well for them, then he started buying presents for me which Mother knew of. As a child who had never felt love or affection from Mother this was all new to me & made me feel special at the time. If only Id've realized what he had in store for me I never would've been friends wih him, but as a child you are very naive & when you had already had the type of childhood I had it makes you even more vulnerable to pedophiles like him. He's dead now & I cant lie I was happy when I found that out because I thought at least he cant hurt anyone else anymore.
Being told I was special was like a drug for me the more he told me the more I craved the praise. I remember the first time he exposed himself to me. We were up at his daughters & grandkids farm but they had gone away & we were out picking blackberries I think. I was sitting down when he walked over to me & had on these really short shorts so when he leaned towards me his penis was exposed. I thought it was an accident & didnt really worry about it too much even though I had already had things happen with the stepbrother. I just wanted to believe so much that someone thought I was worth something! No one can really understand that need for praise love & validation unless they've experienced something similar, you can empathise but not truely understand.
Soon things started to escalate with his behaviour. He started putting hard core porn movies on his tv in the annexe & disappear into his trailer. I was confused as to why he was doing this so I just waited for him to come out & turn it off so I could go & do some work for him. He told me not to tell anyone & I didnt because at that stage I wasn't sure what was going on & I was desperate for any type of friendship & praise. I thought he was just being silly & it was all a game, little did I know.
The first time he molested me I was in his annexe & he was in the trailer. He called out to me to say he had something to show me. When I entered the trailer he was naked on the bed & told me to lie next to him as he had something special to do. I froze & I just did what he told me to do. I layed down on the bed on my stomach with my clothes on when he sat on my legs so I couldn't move much while he stuck his hand under my tracksuit pants & tried to digitally penertrate my vagina. I think then it hadnt been long since my 11th birthday. I couldn't understand why he was doing this to me as I thought he was my friend. After it was over he apologised & said it was just meant to be a game & not to tell Mother so as to not upset her, in shock I agreed.
From there on in it began happening more & more frequently. I always tried to tell myself it didnt happen or it was a dream as I still so desperately wanted to believe that I had a friend & I convinced myself that each time that it happened that it wouldn't happen again & that it was my fault & if I changed something I was doing something I was saying would stop it from happening but it didn't. He was telling me it was all an adult game & didn't I want to be grown up? That no one would believe me if I told someone anyway & with me really having no friends I believed him.
It went on for almost a year before that fateful trip when I decided I couldn't keep letting it happen as it wasn't going to stop unless I stopped it. That was when I took a gamble on telling Mother & that backfired spectaculary. But at least in my mind as I thought about it I had told even though having not been believed to me it didn't matter as I had gotten it off my chest & I never went near him alone again & tried to avoid him like the plague.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
