Fuck everything!!!

It's been a long time since I've been on here as I've had so much shit happening in my life. I spent my 34th birthday in the hospital with my Grandy as he can't eat or drink anything anymore so he has a tube that goes into his stomach to get nutrition into him.
It's been challenging to say the least coz I'm his primary carer I'm the one that cops the brunt of his bad moods which is really hard to take sometimes as I have my own psychiatric illnesses to deal with & at times it's so hard to keep going & smiling pretending that everything is ok when it's not.
My drinking has escalated so much as I don't know how else to deal with all this pain in my heart. On my way home last night I just didn't have the energy to go on & collapsed on the footpath & just started crying. Someone must have called the police as the next thing I knew they were there and I was trying to explain to them I just wanted to go home & be with my cat & go to sleep but instead they called an ambulance & I ended up in a hospital I hate as I've had alot of friends die there & I was freaking out so bad but no one seemed to understand why I was the way I was at Charlies coz all I could think about was my friends who never made it out of there alive.
I love to look after my Grandy but at time it takes so much energy from me especially when he's having a bad day & I cope abuse & told I'm nothing, I take it to heart. I know he doesn't mean it but at thr time it hurts so bad as that is the sort of shit I had to take from my Mother.
Sometimes it doesn't seem worth going on but I know I have to as all my Grandy has is me & that's alot of pressure to deal with.
I must've been a real arsehole in my last incarnation to have all this crap in my life now.
I just wonder sometimes if it's all worth it as I don't know how much more I can take as I already feel so broken. 

Wow I haven't posted here for ages as once again I was letting my life get out of control & drinking way to much yet again & getting nasty at times towards my Grandy after having imbibed too many Scotches. So I've decided to give drinking a rest for awhile. I'm still smoking some pot as that helps me sleep & calms me down.


 There have been alot of bad things that I have experianced since my last post which I will only go into breifly here at the moment until I can give it the time to write & honesty it deserves.
 First of all at the start of December last year (2010) I was indecently assaulted by a taxi driver who was taking me home very early in the morning when I was blind drunk. I went to the police & gave a statement & it was pretty humiliating actually as I had to admit how drunk I was & the fact that I can't remember that much about what happened.
 Well that gave me a bit of courage to go to the Child Abuse Unit & give them a statement about what my Army Cadet Instructor did to me when I was 14 only to find out that he's currently in Court in an almost identical matter to mine & I have to wait for the outcome on that case before the Police proceed in charging him in relation to my matter.
 It hasn't been an easy few months